really!!!!! hubby says I am always angry

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Comments

  • cynthiapi40
    cynthiapi40 Member Posts: 36
    Hi Maggie

    HI,

     

    My husband was DX in 2011 with stage 4.  He is doing well now and is still NED.  However; I do know that when a loved one has cancer, it changes the whole family. It's anger, fear, thankfulness, and any and all other emotion you can think of.  The thing is, I think that we lash out to those we are close to.  My husband will get kind of mean sometimes.  But I know he is the sweeties soul I have ever known.  It's always around the time of his examine. 

    I have a friend that has breast  cancer and she told me when she found out about my husband, he is going to get mean sometimes. LOL

    We all know that just because you are NED at the moment, it is a chance it will come back. So I think that you guys are the one who is dealing with it hand on.  It takes courage and perseverance.  So I think you should get a pass.  Just remember we have a lot going on inside of us also.  My number one think is he may not be with me for ever.  Lord knows that was never any guarantee this would happen anyway. But cancer kind of made it real.  You guys will be fine, just be patient with each other and each others feelings.

     

    CP

  • RickMurtagh
    RickMurtagh Member Posts: 587 Member
    dear maggie

    the issue, no matter how you slice it, is not whether or not you are pissed off at hubby.  the issue is that he perceives you are pissed off at him.  remember when you first got married and things were so great and then sometime down the road you felt like some of the qualities in your hubby you thought were endearing, started to annoy?  well. maybe being together more has brought out more of that!  sorry if this does not apply to you, but it seems a possibility.

    a therapist once told me, when i asked if what my wife and i were going through was common man/woman problem, he said, "perhaps, but it is most definately a rick and sally problem."  it takes two to tango.  i know it is more work and who wants to always be watching their words so closely, especially around their hubby, but isn't he worth a little extra effort and attension?  we know you are and knowing you a bit makes me believe hubby is a down to earth, reasonable man.  maybe all the situation needs is an extra pat on the butt (his not yours, but that might not hurt either) or a peck on the cheek to let him know how little anger you have towards HIM.

    anger, bah, i name thee sunshine.  you flood our dreary little worlds with light, thank you.

     

    peace,

    rick

  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    Maggie

    First off my dear woman, let me tell you that you are my Zen.  When I see your picture sitting there in your cabin, I know that there will be kind words to whomever you are writing to, I enjoy all your posts and they just put me in a peaceful mode.

    Secondly, it's the RETIREMENT!!  My goodness, thank God I went back to college, being in the house 24/7 with your loved one who has decided they retired as mine did is nerve racking.  They have lost their sense of purpose and money isn't what it used to be and for some reason they like to blame their unhappiness on who ever is handy. I wish mine would find a hobby or a charity to go spend time at so that his sense of purpose in life can come back to him.  They just do not realize that staying at home is hard on them when they were used to going to work 5 days a week and interacting with others, they do not realize that they miss that.

    Here's hoping things improve, and thank you, you wonderful lady for being whom you are. I can honestly say I love your personality, your wisdom and your kind words.

    Winter Marie

  • bspangler47
    bspangler47 Member Posts: 145
    anger

    Hi everyone,

     

    I havent been on here for awhile.  It seems one thing after another..............

     

    Gosh, I can relate to so much "anger".  I am on my own with two children still at home, 13 and 11.  Being married I know isnt easy at all, and then to add cancer to it, adds alot more stress and other emtoions.  Maybe its him being home now.  To much togetherness?.  My father became ill a few yrs after he retired, he had bladder Cancer, COPD, end stage renal disease etc.  My mom because more and more angry with him.  They live in a small town, so my sister would have to take him to the bigger city for his drs appts etc.  My mom would rarely go.  She would call me being very upset.  I would go home on leave, she has horrible with him.  Then when he did pass away it wasnt any better.  But it was my moms way of dealing with it.  She was mad at the end for him passing away and leaving her behind.

     

    As for myself, since this fight with CA (I am in remission) I am finding myself getting alot more angry, my younger kids help settle me down.  But I do realize I get mad alot more now etc. 

  • Marianne313
    Marianne313 Member Posts: 124

    anger

    Hi everyone,

     

    I havent been on here for awhile.  It seems one thing after another..............

     

    Gosh, I can relate to so much "anger".  I am on my own with two children still at home, 13 and 11.  Being married I know isnt easy at all, and then to add cancer to it, adds alot more stress and other emtoions.  Maybe its him being home now.  To much togetherness?.  My father became ill a few yrs after he retired, he had bladder Cancer, COPD, end stage renal disease etc.  My mom because more and more angry with him.  They live in a small town, so my sister would have to take him to the bigger city for his drs appts etc.  My mom would rarely go.  She would call me being very upset.  I would go home on leave, she has horrible with him.  Then when he did pass away it wasnt any better.  But it was my moms way of dealing with it.  She was mad at the end for him passing away and leaving her behind.

     

    As for myself, since this fight with CA (I am in remission) I am finding myself getting alot more angry, my younger kids help settle me down.  But I do realize I get mad alot more now etc. 

    Anger

    I started to post this individually but realized it should probably go here. My aunt, stage 4 colon cancer, diagnosed in 2011 (February), her son diagnosed with Esophageal cancer in Jan 2011, her husband passed suddenly in May of 2011, her son passed away April 2013. She's so angry at everyone. For the most part my brother and I take care of her (she is still struggling to do her daily things for herself) we try to be there for support and to do household/outside things that she can no longer do. But, she acts like she hates us. Whatever we do is wrong--even if we do it exactly as she says. Everything (and I do mean everything) makes her mad and hateful towards us. She's not happy we are there but if we aren't around she's not happy. If we are sitting she's mad but if we're standing she's mad (that type of angry). NOTHING makes her calm. Sometimes I wonder how she cannot realize that we are giving up our own lives to help her--not that we mind, what I mean by that is: my house stands empty for weeks, my mail is gotten by my daughter, I miss time from work, I've hired a person to do my lawn, and I'm thinking of hiring someone to clean my house too since I'm not there enough to do any of those things anymore. I know she has plenty to be angry about and I understand that, I can even understand taking that anger out on us now and then---but it's all the time. Someone here mentioned that it's like walking on eggshells---THAT is how it is with my aunt. We can't even tie a bag of trash the right way to suit her or sit in a chair the way she thinks we should! Should we just give up and leave her alone? She threw a temper last Sunday saying that she's NEVER alone--in two years she's never been alone (that's what she said) but I left from her home and went to work 10 hour days two of 9 days last week. I've left her home in tears and drove home crying (I live 90 minutes away). I guess I just never expected the verbal abuse I'm getting.

  • Helen321
    Helen321 Member Posts: 1,459 Member
    I've been angry for years and

    I've been angry for years and thought that may even be what "caused" my cancer.  Ups and downs of life and nothing ever seeming to go fully the way you expect or are taught it's supposed to be.  Most of the world seemed to be having no problem living.  I had friends who were stay at home moms while I'm breaking my neck working to have more than just the basics of life.  There were whole years where I was tired and stressed and that made me angry.  Cancer just pushed me over the edge in anger.  I found myself snapping at people and saying things like yeah that's such a major problem, we should all have such problems.  I realized at some point that they are entitled to their feelings even if whatever it is seems petty to me at the moment.  I've had my share of petty complaints in my day.  Cancer does change your life forever.  It never lets you just live carefree the way you used to.  Today we went to the beach, quite an enjoyable day.  While I was there, I had a great time.  I covered my ostomy with waterproof tape, that went well.  We played in the water, had a great time.  It's now 1:06 in the morning and I'm in an irrational panic because one of the 16 year girls (who is Irish and very white!) that was with us today got a sunburn on her shoulders and back.  Now kids get sunburns and parents don't think twice about them.  Her whole house is probably sleeping.  Meanwhile I'm up thinking oh my God I should have been more pushy and made her put on more sunblock, she's going to get skin cancer!  Her mother is probably very angry that I let her burn.  I'm sure this is not the first time she's burned or the last and yet in my head I'm thinking I just caused this kid to get skin cancer.   I'm usually so aware of sunblock and I make the kids reapply but because of the radiation, I had on a lot of clothes (in addition to sunblock) and so I wasn't so focused on burning and just wasn't thinking.  I have to get up for work in 6 hours and am not even close to sleeping.  So heck yeah I'm angry.  I want my safe world and my rational thoughts back!!!  And I wouldn't blame you for a minute if you are angry too.  The fact is those without cancer don't get it, they think they do but they don't.  I didn't get it until I had it.  Maybe one day the irrational thoughts will go away but until then, there's a part of me that's angry.  I just want a day at the beach to be a day at the beach!

  • Maxiecat
    Maxiecat Member Posts: 544 Member
    Maybe your husband is a lot

    Maybe your husband is a lot like mine... He needs something that he can fix...a problem that he can help you solve.  My husband is a fixer...give him a job and he is on it.  This cancer thing...he knows there is nothing he can do to fix it..  my husband said one time last year that he thought I am more angry and more on edge ..actually I have been much more patient with other people and things no longer have to be perfect.  cancer has changed me and my family forever.  

    alex

  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    Hi Mag:

    Just catching up on some posts......

    Unfortunately George was  angry and he said he didn't realize it.  

    Most of the time I simply walked away muttering damn cancer under my breath.  Then, I came up with telling him the cancer was talking again and he would ask what the heck I meant and after saying this a few times he realized what he was saying.  He had no clue he was using his "sharp tongue" with me.   I just figured it was part of the journey and he truly was not conscious of it.  I will say on so many occasions he said I'm sorry, I just didn't realize so I just stopped saying anything and simply walked away.

    Tell hubby I said he just has to ignore it. 

    Love ya - Tina

  • Nana b
    Nana b Member Posts: 3,030 Member
    geotina said:

    Hi Mag:

    Just catching up on some posts......

    Unfortunately George was  angry and he said he didn't realize it.  

    Most of the time I simply walked away muttering damn cancer under my breath.  Then, I came up with telling him the cancer was talking again and he would ask what the heck I meant and after saying this a few times he realized what he was saying.  He had no clue he was using his "sharp tongue" with me.   I just figured it was part of the journey and he truly was not conscious of it.  I will say on so many occasions he said I'm sorry, I just didn't realize so I just stopped saying anything and simply walked away.

    Tell hubby I said he just has to ignore it. 

    Love ya - Tina

    OMG, get him out of the

    OMG, get him out of the house!  My husband and would be at each other contantly.  Everyone needs space.  I alwyas iiked my time home along, just to sit and nothing or what I wanted without asnwering to anyone but me :)

     

    In the begining, I was on an antidepresent to take the edge off my words.  I was working full time and tired and had a lot of BS going on at work.   I hate being tired and in pain all the time, it really sucsks and it doesn't make me a happy person.    But the antidepressent made me reflect that the little arguments stopped, was it me!  Made me step back and think before I said anthing.  No reason to bite his head off, because of issues I had to deal with.  Married 30 years. 

     

    Cancer changes us forever. 

  • taraHK
    taraHK Member Posts: 1,952 Member
    No

    I've always perceived you as calm and nurturing. I realize I don't live with you 24-7, but that's what's leaking out to me - always....

    Tara