emotional breakdown is ok

I have some of the same

I have some of the same feelings as well.  I am a mom to 2 wonderful kids.  I get very emotional and sad when I think about the very real possibility that I might not be here when they graduate from high school or college, when they get married, when they have babies of their own.  I took a trip with my Dd to New York City this past weekend with her girl scout troop.  It was very difficult being with 8 other moms and their girls..knowing that this disease is stealing precious time...  most days I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling.  I don't want to burden my husband with a lot of it... He's a guy... He's a fixer of problems.  Give him a task to do and he can fix it...this he can't fix.  Don't get me wrong, we talk about it sometimes but I know he is already stressed out with his job and being the sole bread winner then having to worry about me being ill.  When I talk to my parents they don't understand what I am going through...they just want to hear the good news.  Neither of them have ever had to deal with a serious illness like this.  The only person that I know personally who understands what we are dealing with emotionally is my husband's step-mom...she was dx with ovarian cancer 6 months before my diagnosis.  I do talk to her, but she is at a different place in her life...her kids are grown and are all married with families.

alex

PhillieG said:

BM4C

It all sounds normal to me. I just watched a segment on CBS Sunday Morning where a woman wrote a book that deals with people having regrets because they never got to tell people they love how much they love them or people who influenced them at an early age, how great their influence was.

Last summer my in-laws were involved in a tragic car accident that ultimately took their lives. They were supposed to visit us the next day, it didn't happen. I'm sure that when they left their house that morning they had no idea what awaited them just as the driver of the other car had no idea what awaited him. Later that day, an accident happened that ended lives and greatly changed others. 

My point is that while most of us here have cancer or are caregivers or survivors, there's nothing to say cancer will ultimately kill us. What we do have is a wake up call to our mortality. That's just one thing about cancer.

Another is that while our spouses are often the most important people in our lives, sometimes I've found that I need to talk to someone who's not so close to me or someone who can just listen and possible help me to understand what I'm going through. This forum serves that need at times. I also started seeing a therapist not long after I was DX over 9 years ago. It's helped me tremendously.

I'm going out on a limb here but something tells me that you're religious :-) Have you spoken to your clergy-person at all about this? It might be something to consider or possibly even seeing a therapist. It's done wonders for me...

As far as the "chemo for life" thing goes...I've been on chemo over 9 years. The past 6 or so have been with a more targeted type (Erbitux & Irinotecan) and while there have certainly been side effects, I've worked throughout all of this. I cook, I clean, I'm active as a father and as a husband. Do I get tired of the grind? You betcha! But overall the quality of my life is good to very good. Tomorrow I'm starting a different treatment (targeted radiation on the one remaining lymph node that's cancerous - 3 times with 20 minute sessions) that may possibly give me a nice break from all treatment.

Things have seemed to become available for me right when I needed them. Call it whatever you want to call it, I call it luck and also being hooked up with a great team at Sloan Kettering...

My point(s) are that:

• no one expects you to be stoic and not feel certain feelings
• there's nothing wrong with needed to speak with someone who's somewhat removed from your situation but can offer productive feedback and support
• we shouldn't expect our spouses to be able to deal with everything but we also don't want to shut them out either 
• none of know what might happen when we leave the house each day
• chemo for life is a viable/doable option.
• new treatments become available all the time
  

I hope that I've offered some suggestions that can be of some help for you.

-phil

Hi Phil. Nice post. Read it
Hi Phil. Nice post. Read it to Steve who found it to be helpful. Just wanted to say how how good you look in these past two pictures. (first pics I've seen of you). I find it unbelievable that you've done so much Ironotecan and look that healthy. How great that your cocktail is so effective against your cancer and yet doesn't seem to take too great a toll on your overall health. I think you're one of the "luckier" ones here. Your chemo works for you long term and you haven't had to deal with the emotional roller coaster of wondering if your NED. Although, I do hope that your current course of treatment gets you that chemo break.

Chelsea

bigman4christ said:

thanks

thanks for the thoughts and all the good advice from everyone!  I agree that receiving this "gift" of being able to see our own mortality can be helpful for me at times to not sweat the little things in life, but to make the bigger things count. 

Zach

In my prayers

Zach,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.  I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  Everyone’s emotions and reactions are different.  Be assured that what you are feeling is entirely normal.  You are not alone!

Unlike some, I haven’t been anxious, worried, or cried once since my diagnosis – but I’m also NOT young and my children are grown and independent.  I’ve been married for 32 years (I was a child bride of 18!) but I can’t imagine that my demise would take too much of a toll on my spouse. So, I don't have that concern. We don’t spend a lot of time discussing my condition or the future.  We have very different communications styles.  (Frankly, he doesn’t). So…I can’t be much help there.  However, if you have always had open communication with your wife, she may feel sad and shut out if you stop now.  I have seen others mention counseling with a pastor or therapist as a suggestion.  You may want to do that.  It’s not good for either one of you to keep things bottled up if you feel the need to vent or share.  I think it may just add more anxiety – which is probably the last thing you need right now.

My favorite quote has always been, “On a long enough timeline, the survivability rate of everyone drops to zero”.  My beloved father’s was, “I’m gonna live ‘till I die” – and he did!  Also, I have a very strong faith which has provided me with a peace that goes beyond all understanding.  I know for a fact that this peace does NOT come from ME – as I have always been a control freak!  Once I got the cancer diagnosis – I realized that I really had no control at all.  I know this was a life lesson for me. Oh, I can pick my doctors and my treatments, etc.  But in the end, I really have less control than I think I do.  That’s just my perspective – and I’m OK with that.  You have to do some soul searching to see what works for you.

That said, I’ve done a LOT of research (the control freak in me…) and I’ve read many blogs – this one included.  There are many Stage IV’s that have been NED for years.  There are many Stage IV’s that have lived years and years after their initial diagnosis using various treatments.  The medical field constantly comes up with more types of drugs and treatments.  It’s a work in progress.  So, be encouraged!

Another thing that you may want to keep in mind is that this disease – as well as your therapies – will affect how you feel.  Many find relief with anti-depresssants. You may want to speak with your doctors about that, as well, if it can help.

Best wishes.  Let me know if there is anything I can pray for you specifically!

J