Where did our hope go?

Dear Brenda

I'm sorry that my post hurt your feelings.  That was not my intent and I did not mean anything in a bad way. 

I was not critisizing your faith or anything like that.  I was not miffed by any statements that you made....I think they hit so close to home for me, that (in a good way) it forced me to re-examine my own thoughts on faith...I wanted you to know that I always admired how you said that faith brought you through everything.  When I turned my life back over, I wanted to email you and talk about it....but knew you guys had so much going...

I just always admired how folks have strong faith to help them get through life's challenges.....and I think I wanted that in myself...and seeing it in you really made a difference for me.

I've struggled with my own faith and I can remember vividly at times thinking that I had been abandoned.  What I meant by thinking that faith did not (for me at the time) seen to have any bearing on the friends I have seen here over the years pass.  Many had very strong faith and loving families and many reasons to be here...

Cancer is just so hard to fight the first time and recurrence always changes things.  Perceptions and attitudes can change. 

I was thinking that God did not spare us from cancer any more than the family that may have perished by a suspected drunk driver on the way home for church.

And I've been examining things for awhile now...and in the post, I said that I had "surrendered" my life again...so I'm not against religion or anything.  Dr. Stanley helped show me the way the other night in one of his messages. 

In fact, he was talking about cancer in his message....and he said that we are not always healed....but that He is 'present' with us at all times if we believe.

And so, what I got out of that is that....He is with us to help...and we do our part. 

I also talked about how hard my wife and I have had it 9-years...trying to relate to the distance you feel right now....and I talked about how Folfiri changed my personality into something else. 

I was not trying to hurt you at all....I was just trying to talk to you....I know you've been edgy lately from what you have said...and I know I took a risk by reaching out to talk to you....but I felt you hurting and thought it was worth the chance. 

I logged on this morning and saw a message from someone and just wanted to apologize to you if what I said hurt your feelings.  You've read enough about me to know that I try and help.  And that I care for people....and that I care for you.

I've spent just every day up here for the last 4-years up here trying to help folks. 

I know that you are a strong woman of faith....and it just stuck in my head how you told us that your faith had brought you through all of the tough times and trials in your life....and I just wanted you to feel that way once more. 

I'm truly sorry, Brenda...and hope that one day you can forgive me. 

I'll keep my distance and respect yours as well....but will still be pulling for you and Dennis to do well:)

-Craig

 P.S. Brenda, talking out both sides, as I put it....Cancer is so ambiguous in its nature that one day we can see things one way - and then the next day, see things so differently, depending on our emotions.

That comment was misunderstood and I wanted to clarify....I talk out of both sides of my mouth every day up here.....one day I see Hope....and another day I can't seem to find it. That's all I meant by that.

I'm sorry I was so misunderstood....I try so hard to to avoid that.  I understand how you are upset with me.  It hurts me to think that I hurt you. 

I've got to get back to work now....but I just couldn't move past this until I spoke to you again. 

annalexandria said:

Online communication is tricky,

especially when emotions are running high.  I actually was reading back through the thread, trying to figure out which post was problematic.  I thought something had been deleted because I didn't see anything that seemed offensive.  I totally didn't get that it was Craig's post that was upsetting...I thought he was being supportive.  And I suspect he thought he was too.  I wish we were all able to sit down together in a room and talk.  I think that 90% of these conflicts we have on the board are a result of virtual miscommunication and would never take place in person.  And if they did, they could be alleviated with a hug.  AA

I didn't see the conflict

I didn't see the conflict either... I think it is a misunderstanding of terms.. \

People need to chill .... we are here hoping to give and find support....

Love you all and Brenda.. Hang in there...

sometimes

Sometimes those of us who have the cancer need to be reminded that we aren't the only ones with our hearts hurting...my poor husband got snapped at several times during my treatment.  It was like my mouth was opening and someone else was saying the words...   we forget that you guys taking care of us is hurting as well.  As for that bracelet, I would take that braclet and ask the doctor who had it put on how he would like to wear something that screams, oh, by the way, I'm dying so just let me...  geez..  I'd lose that doctor as well.  By blood pressure is going up just thinking about it.. 

I don't know your situation but you need to steal some time for yourself.  Happy pills for him would not be a bad idea either...I am much happier with mine

Thoughts and prayers to you.

 

Debbie