“Cancer Never Sleeps – How It Acts Out Through Our Subconscious”
Comments
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i will be yelling evenSundanceh said:Thanks, Jeff
I just knew you would get it...and I've felt that you probably held similar feelings...which helps validate this post for me.
You and I don't even want to know what #4 would do for either of us.....I'll be the one yelling loud:)
-c
i will be yelling even louder. lets hope we get to save our voices. LOL
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the so called after
after you meet NED a few times it seems euphoria is one of the first emotions....extreme euphoria but I think you are right Craig.....cancer takes its toll and that is never going away. I seem to work out a lot of anxiety, fear, panic and threat in my sleep.....well so-called sleep....2 or 3 consecutive hours are the most I can rally. General anxiety is never really far away. During treatment we live in such a heightened state of threat for so long....it feels very very difficult to let it go. Let's say I lose my car keys.....my anxiety level rises quickly and way out of proportion.....
After four years I do not think of cancer all the time. I am retired and now run an ebay business selling stuff from home.....my financial needs are tight but not critical. Sometimes it seems I am almost blase but I know if and when cancer returns, I will be just as nutty fruity terrified as I was the other 3 times.....scanxiety happens every 6 months but in between times I get a little semi cancer free time. Not in my dreams though.....the trauma of surgeries and chemoes does not recede easily.....hush now MaggieMay......I really really do not want to go upsetting any newbies....
hang in there dear LeoLion
mags
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Hi Cyn:)LivinginNH said:Hi Craig,
This is a veryHi Craig,
This is a very introspective and honest post, and one that even I as a caregiver can wholeheartedly understand, just differently. I think about Rick and his cancer every minute of my life. I'm constantly anxious, as if I can still help him, but then I remember that he's no longer with me, and that makes me even more anxious and sad. And you, you sadden my heart more with statements such as; "I’ve almost given up on the dream of ever being anything in this life..." You ARE something my friend, but I really shouldn't have to tell you that. What on earth would I have done without your friendship, support and guidance these past few years!? You made it possible for Rick and I to have HOPE, and that in and of itself made a significant difference in our lives. I for one, am very thankful that you are who you are, a friend.
Hugs (())
Cyn
I sometimes forget that you might be roaming the halls:)
I don't mean to make you sad....just needed to talk:)
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Thank You, Chels:)Chelsea71 said:Hi Craig and
Hi Craig and Cynthia,
Cynthia, a lot of your comments hit home for me. For example, what you said about always thinking about Rick and his cancer. Since Steve's diagnosis, he and his cancer are always on my mind. Literally. If I am awake, I am thinking about Steve's cancer. I no longer enjoy my job. I simply go through the motions and collect my pay. (Not good due to the nature of my work). I have no passion for it. Need the money and really need the benefits. My passion has become helping Steve. Probably not a healthy way to live.
Craig, I wish you found your job more fulfilling. I've always envied people who love their work. Some of us are just stuck and have to make the best of it. The reality is that once we are in our forties and fifties we can't just give up our jobs and expect to find something more suitable. As we get older, the
insurance becomes extremely important. Maybe you are stuck in your career and will just have to continue to stick it out for practical reasons. I hope that
someday soon an opportunity will come along. (Clearly Dr. Phil and Jeff
Probst are both dumb. The hell with them). In the meantime, don't think for
a minute that you do not have a huge platform to use to help others. If you
were to die tomorrow you will have accomplished something big. I'm sure the
hundreds of people from this board that you've supported throughout the
years would agree with me. Just want you realize the important role you play
here. Not only are very quick to share all the practical info you've learned
throughout your battle, but you also have a way with words and a gift for
creating interesting and insightful discussions which help people like myself
cope with the horror of this disease.
ChelseaI sure appreciate what you said...and so glad I can be a part of your journey...and thanks so much for listening to me. I truly appreciate your support and always so good to hear from you. Continued best for Steve.
I'm stuck until I can dig myself out...perhaps that door will open for me...and the last phase of my life will bring me the meaning for which I've searched all my life.
If I do, then you're coming with me:)
-c
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Hey BBB:)barbebarb said:Your post
Its late but I read your honest and candid post.
You are not alone with your career path feelings. I agree with Chelsea71
about the healthcare insurance importance.
You have a special way of relating and giving us all hope.
TV is the vehicle for what looks like success and your story would be.
There is so much garbage out there from what I have viewed. Their loss....
You deserve credit and lots of hugs.
I wish. I could say more to tell you the value of your posts and writing.
Don't give up!!
Cancer never leaves my brain. I am so sick of treatment plan changes and I am a miracle girl but living each day or hour like it may be my last. I am living but is this? It penetrates the subconscious like you stated.
Thank you for letting me post -BarbIt's out there on the horizon, isn't it?
Alot of us can see it clearly...
Can you imagine what I could do if I had "5-min of Prime Time?"
They'd either be cutting to commercial....or be mesmerized...either way, they'd know who I am:)
I appreciate everything that you told me....those kind of things keep gas in my tank...
I'm watching out over you now...you'll never be totally alone...
*** I've got another idea for Hope's Landing....well, you're the manager...you pick the name:)
I saw Cyn say we could have a basket of kittens...well, if we're going to have kit kats, then we're going to have GOLDENS:)
I volunteer my Harley (just turned 3 and really empathetic) to serve in the capacity as THERAPY DOG!
He sits...he shakes...I mean he shakes your hand...he twists his paw to "grip" your hand...too funny and clever. He gives High 5's...and he loves to be rubbed and stroked...he loves people and sits right in on the action. He's finally starting to grow up.
Guaranteed to be a fan favorite! We'll have t-shirts and coffee mugs, bumper stickers and key chains! All proceeds going DIRECTLY helping a cancer patient and their family.
LOL!
And by the way...Golden Retrievers have moved up in ranking to the #3 favorite dog in America...but they will always be #1 for me. The Labrador is in at #1...followed by the German Shepherd at #2.
Goldens are really just people all wrapped up in fur...Harley sings now when we come home.
And YES....you are a miracle!!!
And I don't throw that term around loosely...you've got my undying respect...anyone that stands up to brain mets, I've just got to pay attention:)
Love you!
-Craig
Did I ever tell you about my 1st Golden - Sundance? He was a cancer detector and found my cancer twice before the doctors did...that's a true story.
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Maggie May:)maglets said:the so called after
after you meet NED a few times it seems euphoria is one of the first emotions....extreme euphoria but I think you are right Craig.....cancer takes its toll and that is never going away. I seem to work out a lot of anxiety, fear, panic and threat in my sleep.....well so-called sleep....2 or 3 consecutive hours are the most I can rally. General anxiety is never really far away. During treatment we live in such a heightened state of threat for so long....it feels very very difficult to let it go. Let's say I lose my car keys.....my anxiety level rises quickly and way out of proportion.....
After four years I do not think of cancer all the time. I am retired and now run an ebay business selling stuff from home.....my financial needs are tight but not critical. Sometimes it seems I am almost blase but I know if and when cancer returns, I will be just as nutty fruity terrified as I was the other 3 times.....scanxiety happens every 6 months but in between times I get a little semi cancer free time. Not in my dreams though.....the trauma of surgeries and chemoes does not recede easily.....hush now MaggieMay......I really really do not want to go upsetting any newbies....
hang in there dear LeoLion
mags
Hey there!
No, you won't upset the new folks...I do enough of that for the both of us:)
Somehow, I feel in my heart (truly) that cancer is finally in your rear view mirror...there will always be the specter that stays with you...the post says we can never get away from it.
Truth be told...I don't think we ever really need to forget it...it keeps us sharp, it keeps us diligent. Fear is a great motivator...and an even better teacher.
I hope that I never get so far removed from cancer, that I lose my edge...I've got to stay close to the people....for I hear their cries.
-Donna's Lion
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I'm a newbie
I don't get upset by these posts, though there are days when I cannot handle reading them. Funnily enough, I find I can read them during my chemo days. The days after infusion and when I'm on the pump, and the days I feel sick. When I'm having my good days, its as though I don't want anyone raining on my parade.
I appreciate any post that is thoughtfully written and spoken from the heart. I appreciate your experiences and your emotions and insight. And of those who have replied.
Its a cold hard fact that we are living a life with cancer, no matter how many years they tell you you are NED. I can see that already. I have every intention of kicking my cancer, whether or not I do remains to be seen, but thats how I face every day. Still, I don't have my head in the sand (I think its up my butt where all my attention seems to be focused) and realize already that every little niggle, every day I don't have a normal BM, every time I have an odd sensation, I will fear that it is cancer.
I do so hope for a day when its not all consuming though. I long to slip into my bath full of bubbles and be able to relax like in my pre-cancer days, and not have cancer consume my every thought. I work at it, but still it invades.
Thank you for your posts. Your life has meaning to us, and it must have meaning to you. To help others is a skill and you have that. Thank you!
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Another Satisfied Customer:)Trubrit said:I'm a newbie
I don't get upset by these posts, though there are days when I cannot handle reading them. Funnily enough, I find I can read them during my chemo days. The days after infusion and when I'm on the pump, and the days I feel sick. When I'm having my good days, its as though I don't want anyone raining on my parade.
I appreciate any post that is thoughtfully written and spoken from the heart. I appreciate your experiences and your emotions and insight. And of those who have replied.
Its a cold hard fact that we are living a life with cancer, no matter how many years they tell you you are NED. I can see that already. I have every intention of kicking my cancer, whether or not I do remains to be seen, but thats how I face every day. Still, I don't have my head in the sand (I think its up my butt where all my attention seems to be focused) and realize already that every little niggle, every day I don't have a normal BM, every time I have an odd sensation, I will fear that it is cancer.
I do so hope for a day when its not all consuming though. I long to slip into my bath full of bubbles and be able to relax like in my pre-cancer days, and not have cancer consume my every thought. I work at it, but still it invades.
Thank you for your posts. Your life has meaning to us, and it must have meaning to you. To help others is a skill and you have that. Thank you!
Hi Trubit
It's nice to meet you and thank you for posting.
It's great to feel needed....and even better when you feel wanted...I appreciate your sincere comments. I see things now clearly after all of these years living with cancer...and I try and share that perspective with new and old alike...
I feel we must always listen to someone who has traveled the roads we've yet to discover...they've already been to where I'm trying to get to...
And I'm just trying to pay it forward to anyone who will talk with me. Thanks so much for stopping by today - it was great running into you...and I want to wish you the best going forward.
Let me know if I can be of any help.
-Craig
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Wow Mags! Spot on!maglets said:the so called after
after you meet NED a few times it seems euphoria is one of the first emotions....extreme euphoria but I think you are right Craig.....cancer takes its toll and that is never going away. I seem to work out a lot of anxiety, fear, panic and threat in my sleep.....well so-called sleep....2 or 3 consecutive hours are the most I can rally. General anxiety is never really far away. During treatment we live in such a heightened state of threat for so long....it feels very very difficult to let it go. Let's say I lose my car keys.....my anxiety level rises quickly and way out of proportion.....
After four years I do not think of cancer all the time. I am retired and now run an ebay business selling stuff from home.....my financial needs are tight but not critical. Sometimes it seems I am almost blase but I know if and when cancer returns, I will be just as nutty fruity terrified as I was the other 3 times.....scanxiety happens every 6 months but in between times I get a little semi cancer free time. Not in my dreams though.....the trauma of surgeries and chemoes does not recede easily.....hush now MaggieMay......I really really do not want to go upsetting any newbies....
hang in there dear LeoLion
mags
No matter how well my day went, I know exactly what you meant when you said I seem to work out a lot of anxiety, fear, panic and threat in my sleep... Not in my dreams though.....the trauma of surgeries and chemoes does not recede easily...
I should be overwhelmed with relief that my solitary liver met at 38 months post dx is gone and my PET scans since then (8 months worth so far) have been all clear but a twinge throws me into panic. I keep telling myself, 'It can't be cancer of the xyz because you just had a PET scan 5 1/2 weeks ago!' I can fall asleep quickly yet wake shaking all over, heart pounding from some 'you've got cancer in your big toe' type dream. I've had to stop watching some of my favorite shows because they kept showing 'rib spreaders'.
You're my hero, Mags.
Secondly, I get bill collector calls several times a day because of co-pays for PET scans, surgery, radiologist, anesthesia. I'm thankful for good insurance but the $4,600 per year out of pocket maximum when we live off $1,200 a month social security is impossible. I tell the same story to the same people every day. Thinking about getting an unlisted number after having the same one forever. Those calls throw me right into a funk because I know I have another PET mid April and here comes the new year co-pay.
Patch
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I like itSundanceh said:Another Satisfied Customer:)
Hi Trubit
It's nice to meet you and thank you for posting.
It's great to feel needed....and even better when you feel wanted...I appreciate your sincere comments. I see things now clearly after all of these years living with cancer...and I try and share that perspective with new and old alike...
I feel we must always listen to someone who has traveled the roads we've yet to discover...they've already been to where I'm trying to get to...
And I'm just trying to pay it forward to anyone who will talk with me. Thanks so much for stopping by today - it was great running into you...and I want to wish you the best going forward.
Let me know if I can be of any help.
-Craig
Dearest Leo: I like your predictions my friend.....if you see cancer in my rear-view mirror that is just ducky with me and I will take that as a firm prediction
.well thank you Patch for those kind words.....maybe ladies of a "certain" age just don't sleep well no matter what.
and Trubrit.....how nice of you to drop in.....wishing you all the very very best for speedy healing and continued health. I am glad to meet you and also glad to hear that our continuing survivor stories do not disturb you. I can identify with your choosing your days.....I remember on treatment days I wanted to talk to everyone here who was also in treatment.
sorry sorry Craigster.....will not interrupt again.....promise
mags
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Hey...
Steve, you're not alone. I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel like I could cut and paste 90% of this article and feel as though the article was written specifically by or for me. I see a man who's both physically and mentally immersed in his disease and is trying his best to deal with it. Cancer doesn't come with manual, we have to figure it out for ourselves and in that process we learn. I learned quickly to compartmentalize my illness, visit it when I have to and put it away when I'm done. I will not let cancer was be the center of my universe. I do my best to distance myself from cancer and all things related. I get sad when I come to this site, that's why I do not frequent as often as I should. I understand that people want to know what I've been doing to beat this disease and I'll tell them, the same thing that Pete tells them, find happiness in something and love the ones your with, sounds corny, but i'm certain it's helped me beat this disease.
Things can get better, I'm living proof. I'm giving this disease all it can handle and have manage to push it back 3x. Even though my cancer has given me a very bumpy ride, I'm happy to be around another day. I love my life! I work hard at my business (I do like your idea of not working after thwarting cancer for 3x, sign me up:)) , love my wife, 10 year old son, and family and friends. Even though I'm NED, I understand that there's a good chance that my cancer will return and ultimately win the war. In the meantime, I'm living for today and enjoying life as much as I can.
Buster
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You Can Call Me Steve...or CraigBusterBrown said:Hey...
Steve, you're not alone. I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel like I could cut and paste 90% of this article and feel as though the article was written specifically by or for me. I see a man who's both physically and mentally immersed in his disease and is trying his best to deal with it. Cancer doesn't come with manual, we have to figure it out for ourselves and in that process we learn. I learned quickly to compartmentalize my illness, visit it when I have to and put it away when I'm done. I will not let cancer was be the center of my universe. I do my best to distance myself from cancer and all things related. I get sad when I come to this site, that's why I do not frequent as often as I should. I understand that people want to know what I've been doing to beat this disease and I'll tell them, the same thing that Pete tells them, find happiness in something and love the ones your with, sounds corny, but i'm certain it's helped me beat this disease.
Things can get better, I'm living proof. I'm giving this disease all it can handle and have manage to push it back 3x. Even though my cancer has given me a very bumpy ride, I'm happy to be around another day. I love my life! I work hard at my business (I do like your idea of not working after thwarting cancer for 3x, sign me up:)) , love my wife, 10 year old son, and family and friends. Even though I'm NED, I understand that there's a good chance that my cancer will return and ultimately win the war. In the meantime, I'm living for today and enjoying life as much as I can.
Buster
Hey Buster
Glad you liked this post....
For folks who have had cancer many times...over many years, I thought this post would resonate with them.
Congratulations on your success...another 8+ year guy...and 3x cancer...you sound like my kind of guy.
This post has some wonderful expressions in it...especially for long time fighters...and it's so validating to hear from so many, who feel like this post was written just for them.
I've got to let you in on a little secret...
It was:)
Thanks for joining in on the post...
-Craig
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Marie i posted yesterdayLovekitties said:Dear Craig
It is not often that I disagree with you, but the statement "if we are very fortunate...we simply return to the life we led prior to cancer", is one I can't embrace.
I beleive that if we are very fortunate, we learn:
we have much more inner strength than we ever thought
we can face the worst and still find the ability to hope
that no matter how we are feeling, we have the ability to lift someone else up by letting them know we understand
there are others who are waiting to lift us up
to see even the smallest things in life with clearer eyes and appreciation
Do I wish that cancer had never entered my life? That goes without saying. But I put it in the same category as my disastrous marriage of long ago. While a most difficult time, I would not change it if given the chance. Why?...because of the things I have gained from the experience which make me the person I am today.
I have no illusions about the impact of cancer on our lives. It creates havoc, pain, dispair, anxiety in all aspects of our lives. I just try to remember that with all that ,if we are fortunate, we can also find some things to put on the good side of the scale.
Dear Craig, you are a friend of many and loved by many. Don't ever forget that.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties
Marie i posted yesterday about how much i agree with craig but i also have to agree with you. cancer has made me a much better and stronger person. Cancer has made me do a complete turnaround for many of my faults. changes i would never have made if cancer didnt enter my life.And like you I certainly would rather have not gotten cancer. But I can say that I have received some real gifts because of cancer and will die a better person. to me that is the ultimate slap in cancer's face.
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