Daughter/Wife torn between cancer mom and husband abroad

fadingsmile · December 2012

Hi all,
  I'm new to this site and I'm really new at telling people about my problems... but here goes! (I apologize for the lengthy post. I wanted to be as concise as possible but it's a really long story to begin with)
My husband and I were working as researchers in Korea. We were in our third month there (two months into our official marriage) when I got the news. My mother has cancer. That news was enough for me to book the first flight back home (California) to be with her. We (my husband and I) thought we'd be in for a long battle, so I could go to and fro Korea to California and stay with her more permanently as that time would come along.
I arrive in California to make appointments with doctors, talk to her insurance provider, make sure everything concerning her health care benefits, life insurance policies, trust/will/health care directives, etc are all in order to the best of my ability. She took a turn for the bad and we took her to Stanford because of the pain she was going through. They did emergency testing (these tests were waiting insurance approval) which revealed conflicting results. Two MRIs, two CTs, an endoscopy, a paracentisis, and a biopsy (along with a lot of bloodwork) revealed differing diagnosis. They ended up diagnosing her with unknown primary cancer. Unfortunately, they didn't do a whole lot for her pain and vomiting but still released her after a week.
You can imagine that I was a mess during her stay at the hospital. An ER doctor thought she would only have a few weeks to a month left. I snapped and confided in my husband. After hearing the news, he also booked the next flight back to help take care of my mom as well as me. Unfortunately, he was only able to stay for two weeks before his work called him back. 
We (my husband and I) soon realized that this wasn't as long of a fight as we had imagined, and I realized that I was needed here. My round-trip flight has turned into a one way ticket and I have been tending to my mom since. This has put a tremendous strain on our new and 'budding' marriage. I don't think he completely understands why I have to be here (I have family that can help care for her), or why I have to put my career and marriage on hold because of this. I want to tell him that I need to be here for my mom but also for myself. I can't stand the thought of not being here for the one person I love unconditionally (parents divorced when I was young). I'm also the most capable person in my family to handle the paperwork and stresses of juggling everything that comes with cancer and treatment. I want to tell him that I can go back to work later, and that no employer in their right mind (or with half a heart) would resent me for doing what I am doing. And I want to tell him that this IS the biggest obstacle our relationship/marriage will ever face, that there are no do-overs, and that if we can get through this together, there's just no stopping us. But, I can't. Or, at least, I don't think the words are coming out right.
After being discharged from Stanford, my mother had a terrible week. She was unable to eat, drink, or make bowel movements. Anything she tried to swallow would come back up within the hour. We took her to an oncologist to finally discuss her options. He reviewed her case and took one look at her before telling us we needed to check into a hospital. The oncologist said given her current condition... days.
So we did check her into another hospital. They took good care of her and was able to convince her to do a round of chemo. It seemed to have worked! She was discharged after a week at this hospital with her pain and nausea under control. Soon, she was back on her feet and broke her 3 week record and made her first bowel movement.
That's great for my mom, and I'm really excited about it... but... it doesn't look like I can share the news to my husband anymore. He's grown distant and unresponsive. He used to share his everyday activities with me, but that's past tense. I've tried to start conversations with him, but he's gone cold and quiet. I eventually confronted him about it and his response... talking to me doesn't make him feel any closer and it just reminds him that we're far apart, and that he'd rather spend that time working hard now so that he could spend more time with me when I'm reunited with him. What he says makes sense, but it still hurts nonetheless. This is the most difficult time I'll ever go through, and although I have the support of family, friends and support groups, my husband really is the person I want to come running to for support.
After a few more exchanges, he's decided that we shouldn't talk for now and pick up where we left off when I come back to Korea. I'm devastated. I don't understand why this happened, why he could just ignore me to deal with this on my own, why things just took a turn for the terrible so fast.
My mother's condition is still stable for now. Another visit to the oncologist this past week revealed more information. It's still cancer of unknown primary, but now we know that it's spread to the lymph nodes, liver, peritoneum, omentum, etc. The oncologist suggested that her chemo is the reason she's still here today, but the aggressive cancer will come back and continue to eat away at her. There is no cure. His chemo treatment is suggested to extend her time, but realistically, no more than four months.
My mother is scared. She's 51 this year and hasn't lived a full life. She hasn't seen her youngest daughter graduate from high school, she hasn't seen grandchildren crawling around on her living room floor, and she hasn't taken a peaceful vacation; ever. She's scared because she doesn't know what happens after she dies; and I don't know what to tell her.
I can only be one place at one time. I can be the daughter holding a bucket to my mom's head as she vomits. I can be the person that holds my husband's hand while he's stuck in the hospital with food poisoning. I can be the sister that takes my little sister shopping to get her mind off of things. But I can't do it all at the same time.
As my subject line suggests, I'm torn. I know I left my husband completely alone in a foreign country. I know I broke our travel plans to go from one destination to the next. But I also know my mother is dying. I know there is no cure and there is a limited amount of time left.
How can I possibly feel better about anything right now? Sometimes, I get really frustrated at how my husband ends up giving me the silent treatment or tells me that I have family and friends around to confide in instead of him. Why does he respond the way he does? Does he know he's actively hurting me? Have I done anything to him that would drive him away when I need him the most? What's left in a long distance relationship if we don't talk to each other? What can I tell my mom about death (what happens to her when she dies)? I don't think there's any simple answer for the problems I'm facing, but if there is, I believe this would be the place I could find it.
 
Thanks for reading!

natmcg · December 2012

Torn between loves

You poor dear child, I am a cancer survivor and happened to come across your post when looking for something else. I am also around your mom's age(54). Your mother needs you...and you need the support of a loving understanding husband. I remember when I was diagnosed and.had no idea what my type of cancer had install for me. I was so scared and I feel for your mother. Does your husband have any sort of relationship with his own parents? Has he any idea what your going through? I dought it sorry to say this but he sounds like a very selfish person. He is the yone who should be contacting you and supporting you, your the one having to deal with a stressful situation . What would he expect of you if he was in your o position. My mother died at 65 from a heart attack,and although I know there was nothing I could have done to change it, I still wish I could have been there to hold her hand and tell her that where she is going is a ubeautiful place with no pain or suffering. Yes you are isacrificing a lot to be with her, but could you live with yourself if you go back to Korea and your sister has to ring you to say it's over, and then you come back for a funeral. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit blunt. But unless the cemo puts your mom into remission (stranger things happen) your not going to get another chance for quality time with your mother. Isn't there anyway you and your husband could relocate back . I'm a believer in fate,things happen for a reason (even bad things)maybe your not meant to be overseas at this point. I don't have a.daughter(three boys) but if I did I would want someone like you. Be strong go with what is right for you,if your husband really loves you,he will understand and support you ,maybe he just needs time to adjust,and maybe.he is a little afraid as well. Facing the fact someone you know is going to die sooner than expected isnt something all people can deal with.
I don't think I have made things any easier for you,but at least you know someone had taken the time to read your post and I am very sorry that you ,your mother and family have to go through this. My only bit of advise would be try not to let your mother dwell on the things she may miss out on. But talk about all the good things she has done and good times. If she wants ask her to write a letters to you & your sister so they can be opened at special occasion and she will be a part of your future. Buy cards (lots of different ones) that she can write in. You will cry a lot and laugh a lot and its all ok as long as its what she needs to do at any given time.
Good luck.

Natalie.

fadingsmile · January 2013

natmcg said:
Torn between loves
You poor dear child, I am a cancer survivor and happened to come across your post when looking for something else. I am also around your mom's age(54). Your mother needs you...and you need the support of a loving understanding husband. I remember when I was diagnosed and.had no idea what my type of cancer had install for me. I was so scared and I feel for your mother. Does your husband have any sort of relationship with his own parents? Has he any idea what your going through? I dought it sorry to say this but he sounds like a very selfish person. He is the yone who should be contacting you and supporting you, your the one having to deal with a stressful situation . What would he expect of you if he was in your o position. My mother died at 65 from a heart attack,and although I know there was nothing I could have done to change it, I still wish I could have been there to hold her hand and tell her that where she is going is a ubeautiful place with no pain or suffering. Yes you are isacrificing a lot to be with her, but could you live with yourself if you go back to Korea and your sister has to ring you to say it's over, and then you come back for a funeral. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit blunt. But unless the cemo puts your mom into remission (stranger things happen) your not going to get another chance for quality time with your mother. Isn't there anyway you and your husband could relocate back . I'm a believer in fate,things happen for a reason (even bad things)maybe your not meant to be overseas at this point. I don't have a.daughter(three boys) but if I did I would want someone like you. Be strong go with what is right for you,if your husband really loves you,he will understand and support you ,maybe he just needs time to adjust,and maybe.he is a little afraid as well. Facing the fact someone you know is going to die sooner than expected isnt something all people can deal with.
I don't think I have made things any easier for you,but at least you know someone had taken the time to read your post and I am very sorry that you ,your mother and family have to go through this. My only bit of advise would be try not to let your mother dwell on the things she may miss out on. But talk about all the good things she has done and good times. If she wants ask her to write a letters to you & your sister so they can be opened at special occasion and she will be a part of your future. Buy cards (lots of different ones) that she can write in. You will cry a lot and laugh a lot and its all ok as long as its what she needs to do at any given time.
Good luck.

Natalie.

Thank you Natalie.

Thank you for replying to such a long story; this place is wonderful and it makes me really feel like there are people out there to help me through this.

A little more about my husband... Unfortunately, he's a bit reserved and distant from both his family and friends. I think I'm the closest person he has, but now that he's started pushing me away, I fear he has no one else to confide in. Both his parents are still alive and healthy, and unfortunately, he has a solid reason for coming off as selfish. He is an only child raised in a very strict family; so strict that they forgot to teach him how to open up and feel/express emotions to them. His friends are good to him; but friends can only help if you let them into your world.

And thank you for bringing up a good point. Just the other day, I went to run errands for my mother (leaving her at home under my uncle's care). I come home with a late take-out lunch box and walk into my mother's room. It was a beautiful moment. She wakes up from her sleep with a smile on her face, but with a brighter smile through her eyes. She's already had a light lunch, but I ask her if she'd like to join me. She says yes and we end up eating in bed, just the two of us, out of take-out containers and plastic utensils. Lunch ends and I hug her, lay in bed with her, and hold her hand as she goes to sleep. I realize, at this point, THIS is where I NEED to be. I know my marriage is important, but I know I'll never get a chance to do something so simple yet so important again. (and then I drift off to sleep too)

I will take your advice and go to Target or a drug store tomorrow. It's the end of the year so all of the christmas cards should be on clearance! (my mom loves a bargain, even to this day! She'd get mad at me if I'd buy her something regular priced)

-Vi

natmcg · January 2013

fadingsmile said:
Thank you Natalie.
Thank you for replying to such a long story; this place is wonderful and it makes me really feel like there are people out there to help me through this.

A little more about my husband... Unfortunately, he's a bit reserved and distant from both his family and friends. I think I'm the closest person he has, but now that he's started pushing me away, I fear he has no one else to confide in. Both his parents are still alive and healthy, and unfortunately, he has a solid reason for coming off as selfish. He is an only child raised in a very strict family; so strict that they forgot to teach him how to open up and feel/express emotions to them. His friends are good to him; but friends can only help if you let them into your world.

And thank you for bringing up a good point. Just the other day, I went to run errands for my mother (leaving her at home under my uncle's care). I come home with a late take-out lunch box and walk into my mother's room. It was a beautiful moment. She wakes up from her sleep with a smile on her face, but with a brighter smile through her eyes. She's already had a light lunch, but I ask her if she'd like to join me. She says yes and we end up eating in bed, just the two of us, out of take-out containers and plastic utensils. Lunch ends and I hug her, lay in bed with her, and hold her hand as she goes to sleep. I realize, at this point, THIS is where I NEED to be. I know my marriage is important, but I know I'll never get a chance to do something so simple yet so important again. (and then I drift off to sleep too)

I will take your advice and go to Target or a drug store tomorrow. It's the end of the year so all of the christmas cards should be on clearance! (my mom loves a bargain, even to this day! She'd get mad at me if I'd buy her something regular priced)

-Vi

Quality time.
How wonderful to hear your spending time making new happy memories wth your mom. Thankyou for sharing your story and info about your husband. It's such a shame he didn't have a chance to learn how to express his feelings. My husband also finds it hard to talk about his feelings and the only time I ever saw him give his mother a kiss was when she was in the last stages of lung cancer and in hospital,just days before she died. I was brought up in a European family atmosphere and we kissed and hugged family and friend all the time. When I did this for the first time at his parents house they all thought I was a bit strange. My husband ( at the time my boyfriend) said you dont need to do that with my family we're not like that. But as time went on he got use to my family hugging him(even my dad lol).and my husband surprised me by being a very lovingand affectionate father to all three of our sons. I hope that in time your husband will also find a way to cope. But some people always remain very private and they are often the most sensitive ones as well.
Sorry Im rambling on again....what Im trying to say is maybe your husband is just trying to cope as best as he can. And maybe he doesn't want to talk because he doesn't know what to say, and knows that nothing he says will change what's happening to your mom.
Do you give gifts to people when they graduate? ( I'm Australian so Im not sure what goes on over there) . Maybe your mom would like to get something for your sister incase she misses being there on the day. It sounds like your taking very good care of your mother.
Stay safe.
Natalie.

Daughter/Wife torn between cancer mom and husband abroad

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