some people come out of the woodwork and others disappear?

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  • yensid683
    yensid683 Member Posts: 349
    #22
    Caring friends from surprising places
    I was lucky I guess, I had a wonderful group of caring people willing to do anything to help. From physical tasks like cutting the grass to support and prayer groups, I had so few people that turned away with the awkward silence.

    My wife and I are pretty private people, we're friends with many but not so close with any (the rhyme is unintended) but I was amazed at the depth of caring that came from so many.

    My neighbors just showed up one day to cut the grass, the one directly across the street, retired from a manufacturing job, said "don't worry about the yard, I've got all the time in the world, I'll cut it" and he did, caring for it as though it was his own. Our next door neighbor, who had just recently moved in and whom we had not even met stopped my wife as she came home one day and offered any help we needed.

    People from work (I work for a national company) set up prayer groups, constantly sent emails, sent gift cards for my Nook so I'd have something to do, even the president of the company offered any help that we needed. It was so nice to know that my job would be there when I was well.

    Even now that I'm recovering and back to work, we get offers of help. Another neighbor saw my wife the other day and asked about me and told her not to worry about shoveling the driveway, he'd take care of it.

    I am overwhelmed by the depth of caring of these fine people. I don't know if it is something I even deserve but I'll thank them and be forever grateful.

    I wish that everyone could have the same experience.

    Peter
  • NJShore
    NJShore Member Posts: 429 Member
    #23
    you are so on..
    Kirsten,

    I could have written your post.. and I am constantly scratching my head at the way people react. I was a bit prepared, since I was a caretaker and helped care-take a time or two before this.. so I have seen some strange things.

    There are two kinds of people that get me the most. The one's who see the sign on the front door that says "Please do not ring the bell. Please call before visiting" - I am talking about the ones who call from the front porch.. as if that's going to help, and I will just be delighted to see them at a moments notice, since I have nothing better to do than keep them from touching my husband who has a weakened immune system. Ug..

    Then there are those who I refer to as the "non-listeners" -- they look at him and say jeesh, he looks great! But they never ask how hes' feeling or what do the drs say, they just walk around saying he's almost normal! (at his work location, which adds to confusion there).

    I am not even go to near the ones that save their tears for us..

    Glad to hear you've gotten some good surprises, and sorry that not everyone is not strong to be there for you.

    Kari
  • staceya
    staceya Member Posts: 720
    #24
    phrannie51 said:

    I think that's something we all find out
    in times like these. Some people really don't know how to act, and so do nothing at all...no matter how close they seemed to be...maybe it's because something like this reminds them of their own mortality?? Others, like your basketball coach, come out of the woodwork and are willing to help in whatever way they can. I didn't feel any reaction to those who disappeared...I just figured they didn't know how to be...and was surprised and deeply touch by those who kept in close touch with me...offering help, making meals...one couple even volunteered to set up their camper at our house and take care of our horses and give me rides to radiation when my husband had to go to Seattle for three days, to take care of a medical problem of his own.

    When I first joined this site, a person who lives in the same area I do, was on here also...she took me by the hand (in person), and led me thru what treatment would be like. She also hooked me up with other people in the area who had been thru this. I got texts every week reminding me that if I needed rides or anything to be sure to call...there were also weekly moral boosters...it was wonderful! We live in NW Montana, where HNC is a real rarity...but Stacey seemed to know many of the people here who had been treated for it.

    It does make a person rethink friendships, tho...doesn't it?

    p

    Thanks for the kind words!
    I was SO happy to find YOU!

    You have a much better way with words than I do!
    Have heard from a few more people for the monthly support group.
    Asian Buffet...sometime soon...
    HUGS
    Stacey
  • donfoo
    donfoo Member Posts: 1,771 Member
    #25
    People are all different, do not take personally
    Hi Kristen,

    I see you joined recently and looking over your profile, it appears this is all still very new for you and your family. I have to believe you are still spinning and things are pretty blurry with all the thought, appointments, tests, new med lingo, uncertainty, fear, and every other emotion that all but causes you to freeze up.

    I offer the notion that many of your friends may be feeling various aspects of all this as well and given every one has a life story full of experiences different than yours, it really is no surprise you get different reactions and responses.

    For the most part, my advise, right I am the expert, just having been diagnosed 14 days ago, is to not take any of their reaction personally or accept any responsibility for their thoughts, reactions, and expression or lack thereof. Certainly, there may be some really close friend who just has no response but I would not own that at all. Feel empathy for them as they are likely struggling and feeling really bad that your life is taking a fork in the road of life that nobody wants to travel.

    Be strong, focus on what is needed to take care of yourself and prepare as best you can. Accept the help offered and don't dwell or start keeping score of who is helping as everyone has varying amount of capacity given their own condition and circumstance to assist others.

    Best to you,
    Don
  • Greend
    Greend Member Posts: 678
    #26
    Close friend
    I had a friend I spent over 15 years with in the military and when he found out I had cancer he just vanished. I found out later from his wife that he didn't want to see me so sick and then was embarassed afterward that he hadn't checked on me. Haven't heard from him for 16 years now.

    STRANGE BUT TRUE
  • donfoo
    donfoo Member Posts: 1,771 Member
    #27
    Greend said:

    Close friend
    I had a friend I spent over 15 years with in the military and when he found out I had cancer he just vanished. I found out later from his wife that he didn't want to see me so sick and then was embarassed afterward that he hadn't checked on me. Haven't heard from him for 16 years now.

    STRANGE BUT TRUE

    I expect this sort of thing
    I expect this sort of thing as well but so far most have returned with kind words and offers of support. Not to make an excuse for a long time fried who disappears but every person's journey through life is different, maybe that person had a very hard experience seeing a close relative struggle with severe illness, maybe even die, never dealt with the feelings and has been running ever since.

    Although 16 years is a long time, just curious if you reached out first to say you were doing alright and wanted to reconnect. That is what comes to mind if that happens to me.

    Don

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