Such a terrible week.

Hi ladies,

I have been needing to post an update for so long, but I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong does and it is starting to get overwhelming. Not to mention I am just so friggen sad all the time and an emotional roller coaster. This week was just horrible. I finally sucked it up and had a pet scan, even though my dad warned me that it might be too depressing to look at the results. What we found wasn't great. I have about 12 different tumors throughout my body. They're just everywhere. 7 in the lung, 3 in the paraspinus muscle, one massive honker in my right leg, and then one thats eroding into my left sacrum. I was having so much back pain that it was pretty much unmanageable for a while, so we decided to start radiation. They are currently radiating my tumors in my back and the largest lung met (its 7cm) and I have my last treatment tomorrow. Yep, they're treating on a Saturday because they're taking off for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, heres where it gets bad. Last Friday I started experiencing numbness/pressure in my right leg and it was completely impairing my walk. It has now gotten so bad that I have almost no function of my entire limb. It kind of feels like a boa constrictor is squeezing my foot to death and the pressure continues all the way up my leg. Just a lot of pressure and no feeling. Thats why walking is pretty much impossible because I can't feel my foot step down on the floor. So I am now wheelchair bound and dealing with numbness in my entire stomach/back area and it is beginning to start in my left leg as well. Hopefully the radiation will help the numbness in my stomach/left leg, but the right leg is a lost cause. My tumor continues to grow and theres nothing they can do. Its already gotten twice the amount of radiation that you're supposed to give it, so they can't treat it anymore. And unfortunately, because of all of the past radiation, the skin won't stretch and the tumor continues to break through the skin. I've pretty much had an open wound there since August that my angel of a mother changes the bandage on twice a day. Unfortunately we also can't do surgery to remove it because the incision will never heal due to the radiation and I will just get an infection and have to have it amputated either way. Lovely.

As if the good news stops there.. I found out that I have pneumonia in my left lung and a build up of fluid in my right pleura. I had a pleura effusion done on Wednesday and they drained 500 ml of fluid out-pretty nasty. My anemia is out of control right now (hemoglobin is an 8 which is why I'm so exhausted) I also have had a nasty bug all week that has caused vomiting and gas/digestive issues. Want to know how fun it is to be a 21 year old girl laying in bed wearing a diaper having to call out to my mother who's doing dishes in the next room because I have thrown up all over myself and can't get out of bed and into my wheelchair by myself? Ya, thats pretty much what my life looks like right now.

I have just been so so sad lately. It's hard to keep up a fun attitude and live every day enjoying life when my body is physically giving out on me. I think I'm going to start taking my xanax on a regular basis because bitchy Kat is not fun to deal with. It just breaks my heart knowing that my family doesn't have a lot of time left with me. I wish so badly that there was something that could be done, but sometimes the Lord has a different plan. I want to enjoy every day and I've said that from the beginning, but it feels like everything is getting really bad really fast and I am so overwhelmed. I am getting over this nasty bug and I am hopeful that once I start feeling a little better, my mood will drastically improve. I just want to take a deep breath and enjoy all of the time that I have. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers. They are so amazing and I hate knowing that I am the cause of so much pain in their lives. My parents are two of the biggest saints I've ever met and they don't deserve this. It truly breaks my heart.

Thank you so much for reading my long scatterbrained rant. I should really just update more often and then they won't be so long. Still praying so hard for all of you ladies facing hard times. I hope you all have an incredible Thanksgiving with your families. Believe it or not, I have so much to be thankful for. I just need to remind myself more often!

Xoxo,
Kat
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Comments

  • salls41
    salls41 Member Posts: 340
    Dear Kat I do love you
    I am so so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I just wish I could reach through the screen and rub your head and hold your hand while you vent. You vent away sweet girl, you have every right to! I know how proud of you your parents are, I know how I would feel were you mine! The strength you show every day, even when B&%$#y Kat comes out is truly amazing and I am sure that they continue to be inspired and awed by you, as we are. I hope that you are able to enjoy your holiday with your family! Please know that I will continue my prayers for you and for the family.
    {{{{{{{{{{Mighty Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    Sandy
  • Ctine70
    Ctine70 Member Posts: 150
    Oh Kat
    I am so sad to read your post. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. You and your family are always in my prayers. I just wish there was something I could do to make all your pain go away. You are such an inspiration to all of us. It isn't fair what you have been going through at such a young age but you are amazingly strong and I am so proud of you! Vent away anytime and know you are not alone.
    You are in my heart and my prayers I hope things start to look up for you sweet Kat.
    Lots of hugs
    Christine
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    salls41 said:

    Dear Kat I do love you
    I am so so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I just wish I could reach through the screen and rub your head and hold your hand while you vent. You vent away sweet girl, you have every right to! I know how proud of you your parents are, I know how I would feel were you mine! The strength you show every day, even when B&%$#y Kat comes out is truly amazing and I am sure that they continue to be inspired and awed by you, as we are. I hope that you are able to enjoy your holiday with your family! Please know that I will continue my prayers for you and for the family.
    {{{{{{{{{{Mighty Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
    Sandy

    One thing I know I am
    One thing I know I am thankful for is to know you Kat. For being so young, you show more spirit, determination and courage than anyone I know. It is good to see you post, but, I just hate what is happening to you.

    Your parents love you Kat, as all parents love their children and would do anything for you. Don't ever think that they would have it any other way, except, I know they wish you were healthy and not having to go through this.

    I will keep praying for you Kat.


    Hugs, Lex
  • mom62
    mom62 Member Posts: 604 Member
    Listening
    Ka
    I am listening to everything you have to say and holding your hand as you do. I hug you when you get done with your feelings as we weep together. As a parent myself I know I will do anything it takes to help you feel more comfortable and take care of your every need. That is what a parent does. You are not hurting them, they are only sad to see you suffering and wish they could take away your pain. Love is forever and they will be there for you through thick and thin, that is why God made them your parents Kat.

    I'm sorry to hear your news, but your sassy funny attitude is still there and that is a blessing for us all. If my daughter grows up to be half the woman you are I will be a happy mom. You are an inspiration to us all and I pray for you every night. If I could put all this burden on myself I would because I consider you like my daughter. You remind me of myself when I was young and fiesty. That part of my life is done but I hope I can lift your spirits with a funny quote I heard the other day.

    "Every day I go around cutting off pieces of every straw I see, so that the world sucks just a little less."

    With love and hugs,
    Terry
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    Oh sweetie, I wish I was
    Oh sweetie, I wish I was there to help! Please think about hospice because, as I have posted before, recent studies are showing that cancer patients who utilize hospice may actually live longer. There is a big push with some professionals to provide "palliative" or hospice-like care to all survivors because pain and comfort management may help all patients live a better and longer life.

    You have been so incredibly brave and such a fighter! You are just a wonderful inspiration to us all. Think about getting some help with your pain and comfort issues. And, no matter what you decide, please keep in touch when you can. We miss you and love you!!!

    Comparing Hospice and Nonhospice Patient Survival Among Patients Who Die Within a Three-Year Window
  • weazer
    weazer Member Posts: 440
    mom62 said:

    Listening
    Ka
    I am listening to everything you have to say and holding your hand as you do. I hug you when you get done with your feelings as we weep together. As a parent myself I know I will do anything it takes to help you feel more comfortable and take care of your every need. That is what a parent does. You are not hurting them, they are only sad to see you suffering and wish they could take away your pain. Love is forever and they will be there for you through thick and thin, that is why God made them your parents Kat.

    I'm sorry to hear your news, but your sassy funny attitude is still there and that is a blessing for us all. If my daughter grows up to be half the woman you are I will be a happy mom. You are an inspiration to us all and I pray for you every night. If I could put all this burden on myself I would because I consider you like my daughter. You remind me of myself when I was young and fiesty. That part of my life is done but I hope I can lift your spirits with a funny quote I heard the other day.

    "Every day I go around cutting off pieces of every straw I see, so that the world sucks just a little less."

    With love and hugs,
    Terry

    Sweet Kat
    Hello dear,
    I'm sorry to hear that your not doing so well.
    You are an amazing young lady and your parents are so lucky to have you.
    They wouldnt want to be anywhere else but with you by your side no matter what!
    You and your family are in my prayers daily.
    Lots of Gentle Hugs Karie
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member

    Oh sweetie, I wish I was
    Oh sweetie, I wish I was there to help! Please think about hospice because, as I have posted before, recent studies are showing that cancer patients who utilize hospice may actually live longer. There is a big push with some professionals to provide "palliative" or hospice-like care to all survivors because pain and comfort management may help all patients live a better and longer life.

    You have been so incredibly brave and such a fighter! You are just a wonderful inspiration to us all. Think about getting some help with your pain and comfort issues. And, no matter what you decide, please keep in touch when you can. We miss you and love you!!!

    Comparing Hospice and Nonhospice Patient Survival Among Patients Who Die Within a Three-Year Window

    You have had a terrible week
    You have had a terrible week Kat and I am so sorry. Like others said, it is always good to get an update from you. I just wish that it had been some good news.

    Don't ever think that your parents would want to do anything other than take care of their precious daughter. My husband and I would feel the same way. There is nothing we wouldn't do to help our children.

    I know it isn't easy, but, try to stay positive. And, keep coming back to vent, just to update us or just to say hi.


    The pink sisters love you!

    Diane
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member

    Oh sweetie, I wish I was
    Oh sweetie, I wish I was there to help! Please think about hospice because, as I have posted before, recent studies are showing that cancer patients who utilize hospice may actually live longer. There is a big push with some professionals to provide "palliative" or hospice-like care to all survivors because pain and comfort management may help all patients live a better and longer life.

    You have been so incredibly brave and such a fighter! You are just a wonderful inspiration to us all. Think about getting some help with your pain and comfort issues. And, no matter what you decide, please keep in touch when you can. We miss you and love you!!!

    Comparing Hospice and Nonhospice Patient Survival Among Patients Who Die Within a Three-Year Window

    Double post
    .
  • ksf56
    ksf56 Member Posts: 202
    Oh Kat
    My heart breaks for you! What strikes me the most from your post is how much pain you're in - I can almost feel it myself. You so much need pain control help! Are you in palliative care? I wish I could help you myself! Your parents continue to have my prayers - they must be beside themselves with worry from your suffering. I can't imagine! Girl, you have fought so hard and it has been a torture all along the way.

    I will keep you in my heart and prayers!

    Peace be with you,
    Karen
  • SIROD
    SIROD Member Posts: 2,194 Member
    I second Cypress Cynthia's post
    I don't want to repeat the same message that Cypress Cynthia posted but I do second her advise.

    Kat, it isn't fair that a young person like you has to go through this disease. I am so very sorry for you and your family. Parents should not have to go through this watching their lovely daughter fight this very, ugly disease.

    I sure do wish you and your family a good thanksgiving.

    Doris
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    Kat,
    I agree, you have had a really rough week. Will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hopefully, the radiation will relieve the pressure on your back and legs. Your mom is caring for you with all the love in the world. My sister and I took care of our mom and neither of us has ever regretted it for a minute.

    I agree too with utilizing hospice. It would give you someone to vent to who understands and those who work with hospice are compassionate and really care. Keep posting more often and vent whenever you need to.

    Kat I am sending Prayers and big hugs,
    Carol
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    camul said:

    Kat,
    I agree, you have had a really rough week. Will keep you and your family in my prayers. Hopefully, the radiation will relieve the pressure on your back and legs. Your mom is caring for you with all the love in the world. My sister and I took care of our mom and neither of us has ever regretted it for a minute.

    I agree too with utilizing hospice. It would give you someone to vent to who understands and those who work with hospice are compassionate and really care. Keep posting more often and vent whenever you need to.

    Kat I am sending Prayers and big hugs,
    Carol

    Oh Kat
    I am very sorry that you are having a very hard time. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sometime I feel like those PET s are more torturing and demanding physically and emotionally than living with cancer itself. You are very brave facing reality, embracing every moment. Please find help with pain management, constant pain is a remainder and makes is very difficult to keep the spirit up.
    I hope you are having a better day.
    Hugs
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    considering your
    situation. 3!7chy Kat is to be expected. I would send a psychiatrist your way if you had anything less than that mood. You are in my prayers. The fact that your touch of humor and level of determination for life persists under your circumstances, is only a testament you your will to survive, and your family's marvelous dedication. I will pray for a break from the drama that this son of a 3!7ch disease has brought your way.
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member

    Oh Kat
    I am very sorry that you are having a very hard time. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sometime I feel like those PET s are more torturing and demanding physically and emotionally than living with cancer itself. You are very brave facing reality, embracing every moment. Please find help with pain management, constant pain is a remainder and makes is very difficult to keep the spirit up.
    I hope you are having a better day.
    Hugs

    Sending the biggest hugs and
    Sending the biggest hugs and lots of love to you Kat!


    Hugs, Debby
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member

    considering your
    situation. 3!7chy Kat is to be expected. I would send a psychiatrist your way if you had anything less than that mood. You are in my prayers. The fact that your touch of humor and level of determination for life persists under your circumstances, is only a testament you your will to survive, and your family's marvelous dedication. I will pray for a break from the drama that this son of a 3!7ch disease has brought your way.

    Dear Kat,
    You and your

    Dear Kat,
    You and your family are in my prayers.
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member

    considering your
    situation. 3!7chy Kat is to be expected. I would send a psychiatrist your way if you had anything less than that mood. You are in my prayers. The fact that your touch of humor and level of determination for life persists under your circumstances, is only a testament you your will to survive, and your family's marvelous dedication. I will pray for a break from the drama that this son of a 3!7ch disease has brought your way.

    Terrible doesn't even
    Terrible doesn't even describe what you've gone through. Many hugs, lots of support and even more love to you Kat!


    Love, Leeza
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    DianeBC said:

    You have had a terrible week
    You have had a terrible week Kat and I am so sorry. Like others said, it is always good to get an update from you. I just wish that it had been some good news.

    Don't ever think that your parents would want to do anything other than take care of their precious daughter. My husband and I would feel the same way. There is nothing we wouldn't do to help our children.

    I know it isn't easy, but, try to stay positive. And, keep coming back to vent, just to update us or just to say hi.


    The pink sisters love you!

    Diane

    My brave .. Kit-Kat!
    What a terrible ordeal to be face with - for you, and your parents. You have
    made such an impact on so many of us. We are proud, and humbled to call you,
    my Sister in PINK.

    Your journey has not been an easy one, and the pain ... breast cancer has brought to
    you, and your family is unimaginable. I am so so so sorry.

    Like the WARRIOR you are, I see that you have the piss and vinegar still
    in your veins, and will continue to fight - kicking and screaming!!!

    $#@^ Cancer

    Gentle hugs, prayers my dear Kat.

    Vicki Sam
  • Clementine_P
    Clementine_P Member Posts: 518 Member
    Thank you
    Kat, thank you for taking some precious time to update us on your condition. We all think about you and worry for you. I am so so sorry that you have had to deal with this incredibly difficult time. Despite what you are going through, you emanate poise, grace and elegance. You are strong and inspiring. Life isn't fair, and you have had more than your share of troubles to put it lightly. Every feeling you are having is justified and normal. My thoughts and heart is with you and I hope that you find a modicum of peace in this battle.

    Peace,
    Clementine
  • eihtak
    eihtak Member Posts: 1,473 Member
    Prayers....
    Prayers are in progress right now in my little neck of the world! You are an amazing young woman that I am honored to share this part of our journey with. As a mother myself, don't ever think that you are the cause of your parents pain, I'll bet you have brought them a world of joy! There is a saying about God giving us these hardships in life so that we are reminded of His great power, I will mention to Him at church tomorrow that you are well aware and He could maybe ease up a bit!
  • MsGebby
    MsGebby Member Posts: 659
    Praying that this week
    will be a different story. I cannot believe what I just read. My heart hurts! You are a special person. One that I have looked up to since becoming a part of the Pink Sister Family.

    You know ... your family is unbelievably strong too. They are always right there with you. And they should be. Kat, dear. They love you. And they want to help in any way they can.

    I wish you didn't feel that you are a burden to them. You are a blessing to them as they are a blessing to you. Why this is happening ... Gosh ... I wish I had that answer. All I know is that it is totally unfair.

    My stomach churns and I feel like I will vomit as I write this. My daughters are 26 and 22. I really love them but when I hear of someone as young as they are not having the freedom to enjoy life the way they should, I pull them closer and just don't let go.

    I have prayed for you since first coming on this board. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I believe in God and the power of prayer. I believe, too, that looking into palliative care is a good ... a very good idea. Please think about this Kat.

    If I could hug you in person, I would. If I could give you parents a hug, I would. If I could take away your pain and disease, I would.

    Please know I love you like a daughter. You mean so very much to me and all of the pink sisters here.

    God Bless You Dear Kat <3

    xoxo
    Mary