My wife was recently diagnosed with Stage 2a BC

dthompson
dthompson Member Posts: 149
My beautiful 43 year old wife of 4 years was recently diagnosed with Stage 2A breast cancer in her right breast. She has two lumps (1cm&1.5 cm) and one lymph node under the arm came back positive for non Her2 50% estrogen receptive very agressive BC. All MRIs and bone scans came back negative for cancer any where other than in the right breast (great news). She was started on 4 treatment of AC bi-weekly then will get 4 of taxol bi-weekly, then surgery. Surgeon hopes the chemo will shrink the tumors enough to only do a lumpectomy. She got her 2nd AC treatment last friday and has been doing great, just a little tired the day after and sore bones due to the neulasta injection. She is handling it much better than me. I try to stay strong and positive for her but sometimes I just break down and feel there is no hope. She has started loosing her hair and asked me to shave it off for her tonight. It breaks my heart and don't think that I can do it. I went to buy her some warm hats today at Wal-Mart and just broke down and had to leave the store. I am so scared of losing her and I don't know how to stop the "worst case scenario" thinking.
I also don't understand why the doctors decided to do chemo first instead of just cutting the tumors and lymph node out? Will the chemo work ? I feel so lost and helpless when I see the fear in her eyes and there is nothing that I can do about it. She lost her mother to breast cancer when she(my wife) was 17 years old and sees herself in her mothers shoes. Any help or advice on how to handle this would be wonderful. Thank you all so much
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Comments

  • Margeaux
    Margeaux Member Posts: 84
    My wife has BC
    Dear Sweet Husband:
    I am so sorry your wife has joined the ranks of Pink Sisters. How wonderful and heart warming it is to hear how much you care! Rest assured you will find support and information on this site. I was diagnosed Sept. 2009 at age 76 with Stage IIB, HER Pos, hormone negative BC in the left breast Grade 3, the most agressive type. 2 lymph nodes were involved. There were 2 lumps, one 3.5 cm, the other .9 cm. I had chemo first 3 months of weekly Taxol and then a cocktail of Cytoxan, Anthracyclin and 5FU 3 weeks apart, plus weekly infusions of Herceptin, all administered through a port. I have heard that younger women may have shorter intervals between infusions, the doctor may feel that your wife can tolerate this. At the end of the chemo no cancer could be detected on either the mammogram or PET scan. I had a lumpectomy and had 18 lymph nodes removed, followed by 33 radiation treatments. When the tissues were examined in the lab, no cancer was found. Yes, having to lose ones hair is a traumatic experience. I, too had my head shaved by husband and I have to say I tried to never look at myself bald, just imagine a 77 year old bald lady! I found wigs very uncomfortable, the scalp was so sensitive and preferred to wear head covers, some were downright chic! I will look up the website where I purchased them from and let you know. Please do not think the worst, your wife will make it through this with your help. It will not be easy, but as the Pink Sisters on this site will tell you - it is doable! I was given literature from the doctors, which helped a lot, so did looking at reputable websites - ACS, Breastcancer.org, comes to mind. Tears are natural, when my husband heard the diagnosis he wept. Believe me, it will not be the end - stay strong for your wife.
    Hugs and many warm fuzzies
    Margeaux
  • Margeaux
    Margeaux Member Posts: 84
    My wife has BC
    Forgot to mention - my diagnosis was IDC, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.
    M.
  • dthompson
    dthompson Member Posts: 149
    Margeaux said:

    My wife has BC
    Dear Sweet Husband:
    I am so sorry your wife has joined the ranks of Pink Sisters. How wonderful and heart warming it is to hear how much you care! Rest assured you will find support and information on this site. I was diagnosed Sept. 2009 at age 76 with Stage IIB, HER Pos, hormone negative BC in the left breast Grade 3, the most agressive type. 2 lymph nodes were involved. There were 2 lumps, one 3.5 cm, the other .9 cm. I had chemo first 3 months of weekly Taxol and then a cocktail of Cytoxan, Anthracyclin and 5FU 3 weeks apart, plus weekly infusions of Herceptin, all administered through a port. I have heard that younger women may have shorter intervals between infusions, the doctor may feel that your wife can tolerate this. At the end of the chemo no cancer could be detected on either the mammogram or PET scan. I had a lumpectomy and had 18 lymph nodes removed, followed by 33 radiation treatments. When the tissues were examined in the lab, no cancer was found. Yes, having to lose ones hair is a traumatic experience. I, too had my head shaved by husband and I have to say I tried to never look at myself bald, just imagine a 77 year old bald lady! I found wigs very uncomfortable, the scalp was so sensitive and preferred to wear head covers, some were downright chic! I will look up the website where I purchased them from and let you know. Please do not think the worst, your wife will make it through this with your help. It will not be easy, but as the Pink Sisters on this site will tell you - it is doable! I was given literature from the doctors, which helped a lot, so did looking at reputable websites - ACS, Breastcancer.org, comes to mind. Tears are natural, when my husband heard the diagnosis he wept. Believe me, it will not be the end - stay strong for your wife.
    Hugs and many warm fuzzies
    Margeaux

    Thank you so much for your
    Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. It certainly helps hearing from others who have or are going through the same thing as my wife. Hearing from survivors certainly offers hope. I have found that if I sit and think about the situation that it drives me crazy. I try to stay busy with work to keep my mind occupied. She has already gotten two wigs, not sure if she will wear them or not. Thank you again so much for your reply.
  • GMcD
    GMcD Member Posts: 134
    Margeaux said:

    My wife has BC
    Forgot to mention - my diagnosis was IDC, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.
    M.

    It is obvious that you have
    It is obvious that you have " manned up " for your wife. It is certainly ok to cry and be scared because someone you love so much is going through a rough time. It will be very doable with you in her corner. My son, shaved my head for me and I felt it was a very loving thing for him to do as he doesn't deal with illness well. Please come here often as it will be a huge benefit to you and your wife.
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    Neoadjuvant
    It is not unusual for neoadjuvant chemo to be used with some types of BC - in fact it is almost always (if not always) done with IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer) as without doing it to get the cancer to form a lump and shrink (IBC does not form as a lump with margins but as a nest or in bands) there is basically no hope of getting it all. I would doubt that your wife's is IBC if she is stage II as it is seldom found before it is Stage III or IV as it is so fast growing.

    Only time will tell if the chemo works as we are all different. For me, the A/C did and got it to form a lump with clean margins as were the nodes. Suirgery (modified radical mastectomy) followed the A/C and then 3 weeks after surgery I did 12 weekly Taxol followed by 25 radiations.

    Chemo effects us all differently. For some A/C is worse - for some Taxol is. With A/C, I was only tired for a couple of days and had no paiin from the Neulasta at all. (Claratin is supposed to help with pain.) Taxol was. NASTY - I existed those 12 weeks on the couch watching TV or iin bed - so completely and utterly EXHAUSTED but started feeling better a week after last infusion when I started rads.
    For many though, they will do 2 different chemos before surgery - different Drs will treat differently.

    Does your wife sew? If she does it's real easy to make nice scarfs or hats to match whatever is in her wardrobe. None of the scarfs I found suited me so I made a lot in slightly different measurements. Also I went through chemo during winter and here winters are quite brutal so keeping my head warm was an issue so I made several out of flannel or fleece. Had 2 wigs that I did wear quite a bit if I was going to Church or somewhere special but wore the scarfs or watch caps most of the time as they were warmer and stayed put in the wind and snow better. Hubby would often go by the fabric store and bring home some nice bright material for me.

    I was 63 when DX'd IBC, Stage III, ER+/PR-, HER2-; am 66 now and still 'riding NED' (No Evidence of Disease) as far as I know. I believe it was harder on Huuby than me. He had lost his Mom at 9 to Cervical Cancer and after 33 yrs of marriage I turn up with IBC - but he made it so did I. In taking care of her, be sure to take care of yourself! You can't take care of her if you get 'down'. Contact your local ACS and see if there is a men's support group or check with the BC Navigator at the Center where your wife is being treated for any groups or. Counselors/social worker that you could meet with. Remember - take care of yourself TOO. Thoughts and prayers.

    Winyan - The Power Within

    Susan
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    I can tell by your post
    what a loving and caring husband you are. Your wife is very lucky to have you by her side. I know from experience that having my husband with me made my journey easier. My husband broke down as well so you are not alone. There were many times that we actually broke down together. Having you by her side will make a big difference to her and to you as well. Have faith...she will get through this and so will you.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    Never lose hope! I think
    Never lose hope! I think that you might be able to help her most by becoming her biggest cheerleader.

    I was diagnosed with Stage 3A (very large tumor and 4 nodes) way back in 1987. Can you believe it? I had a mastectomy, chemo, radiation and hormone therapy. Then I had a 22 year remission. In 2009, I found out I had bone mets, but I am currently back in remission. There are more and more stories of survivors living a long time. In fact, some of us consider ourselves "thrivers" and not survivors.

    My advice is to encourage your wife to be as compliant as possible. Some studies are showing compliance is less than 20%. It is so hard to be compliant, but so important. Also, she should really consider avoiding alcohol altogether because, when you drink, your estrogen level goes up and your survival rate goes down.

    The initial chemo is so hard, but it goes by and, hopefully, becomes a distant bad memory. Also, your local ACS chapter may be able to supply free or affordable hats and/or wigs and they will also give your wife a makeover with free makeup if she wants one. "Look Good...Feel Better" is the name of the program. See:

    Find Support Programs and Services in Your Area

    http://www.cancer.org/treatment/supportprogramsservices/index?ssSourceSiteId=null

    P.S. Tell your wife not to give up because of her family history. I have a terrible family history: two sisters, my dad, my uncle, my grandmother and her 4 sisters. All had colon and/or breast cancer. Although the older generation died quickly after diagnosis, my sisters and I (all with breast cancer) have all survived for >15 years.
  • AngieD
    AngieD Member Posts: 493

    Never lose hope! I think
    Never lose hope! I think that you might be able to help her most by becoming her biggest cheerleader.

    I was diagnosed with Stage 3A (very large tumor and 4 nodes) way back in 1987. Can you believe it? I had a mastectomy, chemo, radiation and hormone therapy. Then I had a 22 year remission. In 2009, I found out I had bone mets, but I am currently back in remission. There are more and more stories of survivors living a long time. In fact, some of us consider ourselves "thrivers" and not survivors.

    My advice is to encourage your wife to be as compliant as possible. Some studies are showing compliance is less than 20%. It is so hard to be compliant, but so important. Also, she should really consider avoiding alcohol altogether because, when you drink, your estrogen level goes up and your survival rate goes down.

    The initial chemo is so hard, but it goes by and, hopefully, becomes a distant bad memory. Also, your local ACS chapter may be able to supply free or affordable hats and/or wigs and they will also give your wife a makeover with free makeup if she wants one. "Look Good...Feel Better" is the name of the program. See:

    Find Support Programs and Services in Your Area

    http://www.cancer.org/treatment/supportprogramsservices/index?ssSourceSiteId=null

    P.S. Tell your wife not to give up because of her family history. I have a terrible family history: two sisters, my dad, my uncle, my grandmother and her 4 sisters. All had colon and/or breast cancer. Although the older generation died quickly after diagnosis, my sisters and I (all with breast cancer) have all survived for >15 years.

    Your wife's treatment plan
    I was diagnosed the end of Dec 2011 and was on a similar treatment plan to your wife's. I had 4 A/C every other week and 12 weekly Taxols. There are 2 very good reasons for doing the chemo first before surgery. One, the tumor can be shrunk down so a lumpectomy can be performed and can be less disfiguring. Even more importantly, you get actual visual proof that the chemo is working (or if it isn't, something else can be used.) In my case, the tumor completely disappeared to feel or ultrasound. A clip was placed prior to chemo, so the surgeon would know where the center had been. After surgery healing, I had 30 radiation treatments. It's not easy but very doable and your loving support will help her so much.

    It's a good idea to keep a list of questions that come into your head, and take the list with you when you go for oncologist visits with her. And insist on explanations for anything you don't understand.

    Angie
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    It is wonderful to see that
    It is wonderful to see that you care so much for your wife. According to my husband, your feelings are very normal. A couple things that may help you...a book called Breast Cancer Husband by Marc Silver. And there is also a 'caregiver' group here as well, just scroll down through the list of cancer types you'll find it toward the bottom.

    As for chemo first, it is becoming more and more common and is used for several types of BC. You should ask the onc exactly why they chose to use this method in your wife's case, and what results the onc expects. I did chemo first, and it definitely made a difference. The other thing about chemo, it is a systemic treatment. It will go after any stray cancer cells that might be roaming around your wife's body and kill them. Surgery is a local treatment, it will only get the tumors. And then there is your surgeon's hope for a lumpectomy rather than a mastectomy.

    To help your wife with the bone pain...ask the onc or pharmacist about claratin (not claratin d). I was told it is recommended by the manufacturer, and it really helped me with the bone pain. It took it two days before my shots (I had neupogin, a cousin to neulasta) during my shots, and two days after.

    I hope this helps you. Please come back and let us know how your wife is doing.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • salls41
    salls41 Member Posts: 340
    I had Chemo first
    I went through my chemo before my surgery. I understand how you feel, why not just get in there and cut that nasty thing out!! I felt the same way. My tumor was almost 6cm so they wanted to shrink it or hopefully kill it..it did shrink to almost gone. I then had a bi lateral mastectomy because I didn't want to worry about the cancer coming back in the other breast. You are doing a great job already of helping your wife!! You found this site! You already got great advice from these ladies. I will add that I loved T shirt scarves..its a DIY project, but they felt good on my bald head. My husband was very involved with my treatment. He took me to every chemo session. He changed my bandages for every surgery. When I was sick from chemo he cooked everything or anything to help me to eat. He bought every type of drink you can imagine to help me to stay hydrated during treatment. I know you are feeling the same way.. you want to ease her suffering but can't do enough to help. Just keep reading the positive posts here. You will read some negative stuff too but don't hang on to that, hang on to the positives.. you both will get through this! Remember that your wife will get a lot sicker before she gets better. Just hold onto her when she needs it and let her cry and feel sorry for herself when she needs to. Its a emotional roller coaster ride from hell, but it does eventually stop.
    Take care of yourself as well as taking care of her.
    God Bless
    Sandy
  • dthompson
    dthompson Member Posts: 149
    salls41 said:

    I had Chemo first
    I went through my chemo before my surgery. I understand how you feel, why not just get in there and cut that nasty thing out!! I felt the same way. My tumor was almost 6cm so they wanted to shrink it or hopefully kill it..it did shrink to almost gone. I then had a bi lateral mastectomy because I didn't want to worry about the cancer coming back in the other breast. You are doing a great job already of helping your wife!! You found this site! You already got great advice from these ladies. I will add that I loved T shirt scarves..its a DIY project, but they felt good on my bald head. My husband was very involved with my treatment. He took me to every chemo session. He changed my bandages for every surgery. When I was sick from chemo he cooked everything or anything to help me to eat. He bought every type of drink you can imagine to help me to stay hydrated during treatment. I know you are feeling the same way.. you want to ease her suffering but can't do enough to help. Just keep reading the positive posts here. You will read some negative stuff too but don't hang on to that, hang on to the positives.. you both will get through this! Remember that your wife will get a lot sicker before she gets better. Just hold onto her when she needs it and let her cry and feel sorry for herself when she needs to. Its a emotional roller coaster ride from hell, but it does eventually stop.
    Take care of yourself as well as taking care of her.
    God Bless
    Sandy

    Thank you all.
    Thank you all so much. I have gotten more information from all of the wonderful posts in the last day than I have been able to get from the doctors in 3 weeks. There seems to be good days and bad days for me. I find that when I stay busy and can keep my mind off of the situation I do much better. It sounds like my wife will probably opt to do the bi-lateral masectomy for the same reason... so the cancer does not come back in the other breast. She has handled her A/C treatements wonderfully and hopefully the Taxol will be the same.
  • dthompson
    dthompson Member Posts: 149
    AngieD said:

    Your wife's treatment plan
    I was diagnosed the end of Dec 2011 and was on a similar treatment plan to your wife's. I had 4 A/C every other week and 12 weekly Taxols. There are 2 very good reasons for doing the chemo first before surgery. One, the tumor can be shrunk down so a lumpectomy can be performed and can be less disfiguring. Even more importantly, you get actual visual proof that the chemo is working (or if it isn't, something else can be used.) In my case, the tumor completely disappeared to feel or ultrasound. A clip was placed prior to chemo, so the surgeon would know where the center had been. After surgery healing, I had 30 radiation treatments. It's not easy but very doable and your loving support will help her so much.

    It's a good idea to keep a list of questions that come into your head, and take the list with you when you go for oncologist visits with her. And insist on explanations for anything you don't understand.

    Angie

    Hi Angie,
    Thank you so much

    Hi Angie,
    Thank you so much for the post. I am so happy that your tumors shrunk !! Hopefully my wifes will do the same. The Onc does not think that she will have to do raditation afterward. We are hoeing this is true. I think she is going to ask to have a double mast and rebuild just to reduce the risk of the cancer coming back after her treatment How did you do with the Taxol? Thank you again.

    Dennis
  • dthompson
    dthompson Member Posts: 149

    It is wonderful to see that
    It is wonderful to see that you care so much for your wife. According to my husband, your feelings are very normal. A couple things that may help you...a book called Breast Cancer Husband by Marc Silver. And there is also a 'caregiver' group here as well, just scroll down through the list of cancer types you'll find it toward the bottom.

    As for chemo first, it is becoming more and more common and is used for several types of BC. You should ask the onc exactly why they chose to use this method in your wife's case, and what results the onc expects. I did chemo first, and it definitely made a difference. The other thing about chemo, it is a systemic treatment. It will go after any stray cancer cells that might be roaming around your wife's body and kill them. Surgery is a local treatment, it will only get the tumors. And then there is your surgeon's hope for a lumpectomy rather than a mastectomy.

    To help your wife with the bone pain...ask the onc or pharmacist about claratin (not claratin d). I was told it is recommended by the manufacturer, and it really helped me with the bone pain. It took it two days before my shots (I had neupogin, a cousin to neulasta) during my shots, and two days after.

    I hope this helps you. Please come back and let us know how your wife is doing.

    Hugs,

    Linda

    Hi Linda
    Thank you so much

    Hi Linda
    Thank you so much for your very informative post. It makes complete sense now to me why they are doing the chemo first.. to target any stray cells that may have gotten away. My wife has and does take the claratin and it does seem to help. She normally only has the bone pain for one day after the neulasta injection and motrin seems to help also. Thank you so much again. I will definitly keep updating and asking questions on this post. I will definitly look into the book that you suggested. God bless !

    Dennis
  • dthompson
    dthompson Member Posts: 149

    Never lose hope! I think
    Never lose hope! I think that you might be able to help her most by becoming her biggest cheerleader.

    I was diagnosed with Stage 3A (very large tumor and 4 nodes) way back in 1987. Can you believe it? I had a mastectomy, chemo, radiation and hormone therapy. Then I had a 22 year remission. In 2009, I found out I had bone mets, but I am currently back in remission. There are more and more stories of survivors living a long time. In fact, some of us consider ourselves "thrivers" and not survivors.

    My advice is to encourage your wife to be as compliant as possible. Some studies are showing compliance is less than 20%. It is so hard to be compliant, but so important. Also, she should really consider avoiding alcohol altogether because, when you drink, your estrogen level goes up and your survival rate goes down.

    The initial chemo is so hard, but it goes by and, hopefully, becomes a distant bad memory. Also, your local ACS chapter may be able to supply free or affordable hats and/or wigs and they will also give your wife a makeover with free makeup if she wants one. "Look Good...Feel Better" is the name of the program. See:

    Find Support Programs and Services in Your Area

    http://www.cancer.org/treatment/supportprogramsservices/index?ssSourceSiteId=null

    P.S. Tell your wife not to give up because of her family history. I have a terrible family history: two sisters, my dad, my uncle, my grandmother and her 4 sisters. All had colon and/or breast cancer. Although the older generation died quickly after diagnosis, my sisters and I (all with breast cancer) have all survived for >15 years.

    Hi Cynthia
    Thank you so much

    Hi Cynthia
    Thank you so much for your reply. I am crushed to hear that you had a re-occurance after a 22 year remission, but I am also very happy that you are back in remission once again!! I'm not exactly sure you mean when you say "compliance". My wife's cancer (IDC Stage 2a type 3)was 50% estrogen receptive and her Onc N.P. told her it was Ok to have a glass of wine or beer occasionally. I am now wondering if she knows what she is talking about because as you said.. alcohol causes estrogen levels to go up. Thank you for suggesting the link for look good..feel better. I think the physical changes are what are effecting her most. Loosing her hair, dealing with baldness and wigs, possible double mast etc.. I try to tell her that those things are not important, only her getting better matters. I also understand that I am not a woman so what seems minor to me probably are major issues to her and other women. Thanks again for your words of encouragement. I'm sure I will be speaking with everyone on this post frequently as questions, fears and other issues arise. God bless !!

    Dennis
  • dthompson
    dthompson Member Posts: 149
    Rague said:

    Neoadjuvant
    It is not unusual for neoadjuvant chemo to be used with some types of BC - in fact it is almost always (if not always) done with IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer) as without doing it to get the cancer to form a lump and shrink (IBC does not form as a lump with margins but as a nest or in bands) there is basically no hope of getting it all. I would doubt that your wife's is IBC if she is stage II as it is seldom found before it is Stage III or IV as it is so fast growing.

    Only time will tell if the chemo works as we are all different. For me, the A/C did and got it to form a lump with clean margins as were the nodes. Suirgery (modified radical mastectomy) followed the A/C and then 3 weeks after surgery I did 12 weekly Taxol followed by 25 radiations.

    Chemo effects us all differently. For some A/C is worse - for some Taxol is. With A/C, I was only tired for a couple of days and had no paiin from the Neulasta at all. (Claratin is supposed to help with pain.) Taxol was. NASTY - I existed those 12 weeks on the couch watching TV or iin bed - so completely and utterly EXHAUSTED but started feeling better a week after last infusion when I started rads.
    For many though, they will do 2 different chemos before surgery - different Drs will treat differently.

    Does your wife sew? If she does it's real easy to make nice scarfs or hats to match whatever is in her wardrobe. None of the scarfs I found suited me so I made a lot in slightly different measurements. Also I went through chemo during winter and here winters are quite brutal so keeping my head warm was an issue so I made several out of flannel or fleece. Had 2 wigs that I did wear quite a bit if I was going to Church or somewhere special but wore the scarfs or watch caps most of the time as they were warmer and stayed put in the wind and snow better. Hubby would often go by the fabric store and bring home some nice bright material for me.

    I was 63 when DX'd IBC, Stage III, ER+/PR-, HER2-; am 66 now and still 'riding NED' (No Evidence of Disease) as far as I know. I believe it was harder on Huuby than me. He had lost his Mom at 9 to Cervical Cancer and after 33 yrs of marriage I turn up with IBC - but he made it so did I. In taking care of her, be sure to take care of yourself! You can't take care of her if you get 'down'. Contact your local ACS and see if there is a men's support group or check with the BC Navigator at the Center where your wife is being treated for any groups or. Counselors/social worker that you could meet with. Remember - take care of yourself TOO. Thoughts and prayers.

    Winyan - The Power Within

    Susan

    Hi Susan,
    Thank you for the

    Hi Susan,
    Thank you for the very informative and helpful post I am so thrilled that you are NED. My wife has IDC stage 2a type 3 from the your and other posts, I now understand why they are doing the chemo first. My wife is very cold natured so I was able to go buy her some hats today and just kept my mind on other things while doing so. We have gotten her two wigs so we are ready for this weekend. We have decided that she will go get her hair cut very short and then just wait for the rest to come out. I just could not do it for her and she didn't want to put me through doing it. I will check with our nurse navigator on men support groups in my area. We are staying positive that the Taxol will not put her down too hard. She has done amazing on the A/C. One of her major cocncerns, aside from loosing her hair, is not missing work as she was recently promoted to a upper management posistion at her job. Thank you again so much for your reply. Gob bless !!
  • kacee999
    kacee999 Member Posts: 110
    So sorry to hear...
    I was in a similar situation. Four months after my husband and I got married (my first time, his second) last year, and 4 days after my 60th birthday, I was diagnosed with BC. I thought my husband was going to freak. Our meeting and marriage was so story book it threw him into a tailspin of "Why God after all you have given me are you going to take this away so soon?" He had a hard time of it. But you HAVE to be there for her and be strong. Shave her head and call her beautiful (I actually ENJOYED having no hair!!!!)...my husband shaves his head normally so he did mine and we looked like a real pair! Things are going to get a LOT worse for her on chemo before it's over and you HAVE to understand she is not going to be able to do the most elementary simple things (wash, emptying a dishwasher, etc.) which is going to furstrate and dumbfound you. You must understand that she CANNOT do these things. The Fatigue is unrelenting and all encompassing, and she has to roll with it. I spent weeks on the couch or in bed. Fopr 14 days after EVERY session I was flat on my back, lucky to be able to walk across the room even. The biggest mistake my husband made at first was trying to cajole me out of the way I felt (I was not "down", I was just dealing with the side effects as best I could). For heaven sake don't do that. When we're in the throes of this mess the LAST thing we need is someone trying to make light of it. My husband learned pretty quickly...when I was in the thick of it, just leave me alone to deal with the circumstances. Know you are going to have to do practically EVERYTHING around the house until this is over, and accept it. You've got to get in "business mode" going through this. I just hunkered down and crawled my way through everything, knowing that this too shall pass. Don't let her feel quilty in any way for lack of being able to do the smallest things. Support her in every way. During this hard time life is going to revolve 150% around her, her needs and wants, to get through this. If you can do that you will be giving her the greatest gift.
  • kacee999
    kacee999 Member Posts: 110
    So sorry to hear...
    I was in a similar situation. Four months after my husband and I got married (my first time, his second) last year, and 4 days after my 60th birthday, I was diagnosed with BC. I thought my husband was going to freak. Our meeting and marriage was so story book it threw him into a tailspin of "Why God after all you have given me are you going to take this away so soon?" He had a hard time of it. But you HAVE to be there for her and be strong. Shave her head and call her beautiful (I actually ENJOYED having no hair!!!!)...my husband shaves his head normally so he did mine and we looked like a real pair! Things are going to get a LOT worse for her on chemo before it's over and you HAVE to understand she is not going to be able to do the most elementary simple things (wash, emptying a dishwasher, etc.) which is going to furstrate and dumbfound you. You must understand that she CANNOT do these things. The Fatigue is unrelenting and all encompassing, and she has to roll with it. I spent weeks on the couch or in bed. Fopr 14 days after EVERY session I was flat on my back, lucky to be able to walk across the room even. The biggest mistake my husband made at first was trying to cajole me out of the way I felt (I was not "down", I was just dealing with the side effects as best I could). For heaven sake don't do that. When we're in the throes of this mess the LAST thing we need is someone trying to make light of it. My husband learned pretty quickly...when I was in the thick of it, just leave me alone to deal with the circumstances. Know you are going to have to do practically EVERYTHING around the house until this is over, and accept it. You've got to get in "business mode" going through this. I just hunkered down and crawled my way through everything, knowing that this too shall pass. Don't let her feel quilty in any way for lack of being able to do the smallest things. Support her in every way. During this hard time life is going to revolve 150% around her, her needs and wants, to get through this. If you can do that you will be giving her the greatest gift.
  • kacee999
    kacee999 Member Posts: 110
    So sorry to hear...
    I was in a similar situation. Four months after my husband and I got married (my first time, his second) last year, and 4 days after my 60th birthday, I was diagnosed with BC. I thought my husband was going to freak. Our meeting and marriage was so storybook it threw him into a tailspin of "Why God after all you have given me are you going to take this away so soon?" He had a hard time of it. But you HAVE to be there for her and be strong. Shave her head and call her beautiful (I actually ENJOYED having no hair!!!!)...my husband shaves his head normally so he did mine and we looked like a real pair! Things are going to get a LOT worse for her on chemo before it's over and you HAVE to understand she is not going to be able to do the most elementary simple things (a load of wash, emptying a dishwasher, etc.) which is going to frustrate and dumbfound you. You must understand that she CANNOT do these things. The Fatigue is unrelenting and all encompassing, and she has to roll with it. I spent weeks on the couch or in bed. For 14 days after EVERY session I was flat on my back, lucky to be able to walk across the room even. The biggest mistake my husband made at first was trying to cajole me out of the way I felt (I was not "down", I was just concentrating on dealing with the side effects as best I could). For heaven sake don't do that. When we're in the throes of this mess the LAST thing we need is someone trying to make light of it. My husband learned pretty quickly...when I was in the thick of it, just leave me alone to deal with the circumstances. Know you are going to have to do practically EVERYTHING around the house until this is over, and accept it. You've got to get in "business mode" going through this. I just hunkered down and crawled my way through everything, knowing that this too shall pass. Don't let her feel quilty in any way for lack of being able to do the smallest things. Support her in every way. During this hard time life is going to revolve 150% around her, her needs and wants, to get through this. If you can do that you will be giving her the greatest gift.
  • kacee999
    kacee999 Member Posts: 110
    kacee999 said:

    So sorry to hear...
    I was in a similar situation. Four months after my husband and I got married (my first time, his second) last year, and 4 days after my 60th birthday, I was diagnosed with BC. I thought my husband was going to freak. Our meeting and marriage was so storybook it threw him into a tailspin of "Why God after all you have given me are you going to take this away so soon?" He had a hard time of it. But you HAVE to be there for her and be strong. Shave her head and call her beautiful (I actually ENJOYED having no hair!!!!)...my husband shaves his head normally so he did mine and we looked like a real pair! Things are going to get a LOT worse for her on chemo before it's over and you HAVE to understand she is not going to be able to do the most elementary simple things (a load of wash, emptying a dishwasher, etc.) which is going to frustrate and dumbfound you. You must understand that she CANNOT do these things. The Fatigue is unrelenting and all encompassing, and she has to roll with it. I spent weeks on the couch or in bed. For 14 days after EVERY session I was flat on my back, lucky to be able to walk across the room even. The biggest mistake my husband made at first was trying to cajole me out of the way I felt (I was not "down", I was just concentrating on dealing with the side effects as best I could). For heaven sake don't do that. When we're in the throes of this mess the LAST thing we need is someone trying to make light of it. My husband learned pretty quickly...when I was in the thick of it, just leave me alone to deal with the circumstances. Know you are going to have to do practically EVERYTHING around the house until this is over, and accept it. You've got to get in "business mode" going through this. I just hunkered down and crawled my way through everything, knowing that this too shall pass. Don't let her feel quilty in any way for lack of being able to do the smallest things. Support her in every way. During this hard time life is going to revolve 150% around her, her needs and wants, to get through this. If you can do that you will be giving her the greatest gift.

    wow sorry for the triple post!
    computer burp
  • mollyz
    mollyz Member Posts: 756 Member
    dthompson said:

    Thank you all.
    Thank you all so much. I have gotten more information from all of the wonderful posts in the last day than I have been able to get from the doctors in 3 weeks. There seems to be good days and bad days for me. I find that when I stay busy and can keep my mind off of the situation I do much better. It sounds like my wife will probably opt to do the bi-lateral masectomy for the same reason... so the cancer does not come back in the other breast. She has handled her A/C treatements wonderfully and hopefully the Taxol will be the same.

    Hang in there!!
    Welcome to the boards,im a 2yr. survivor.my husband went thru the same thing but i think he chose to reach out to some other female im not totally sure just all the evidence,2 cell phones and a condom,i found all of this in the last year and I hope and pray you love your wife not to hurt her in any kind of way.I know your scared now but when it's all over and you and her look back you'll be able to help someone else going thru.My dr. told me that the husband goes thru harder than the wife,it's a lot of good advice on here and it's some that will scare the "H" out of you,everyone is different.we send cyber hugs to each other,so im sending a big hug to you and your wife.do you have kids?~~MollyZ~~