Quality over quantity
pinkkari09
Member Posts: 877
First of all, I need to apologize again for taking so long to get back to my CSN Family. I've made the biggest decision In my LIFE this past week and I pray with all my heart that it was the right one.
I've been on chemo or rads for over 3 years, and had a lot of rough s/e. I've had MANY operations to include my bilateral, both ovaries, lattisamus flap immediate recon with all of 3 surgeons, under the lights for 7 hours, all sides opened up for something.....I'm not going to type my story, I'll certainly share if you ask. We've been chasing my TNBC for over 3 years and we just can't seem to catch the beast.
My team, mostly my Onc. say I've outlived many sentences by average. I know this is true but along the way I endured SO SO much, as we all do.
Infections, grade two neuropathy, severe loss of movement, a divorce..........could go on forever but why relive that, right:)
We, meaning me,myself, and I have decided its time to just let palliative care doc (whom I REALLY like) manage my pain while I live my life. I can say I feel great right now, I haven't had that awful Doxil in over a month. My body is trying to heal from all the damage and I know this means the cancer is growing in which it grows fast, I already feel it back in some nodes
Of course I've been talking to my family and friends about this and I've been pushing to feel better, in which they all stand behind me, they've seen all I've been through.
I'm now under the palliative care and I will no longer be running to several appointments, scans, blood draws.....another on forever one. Instead, I will have a nurse stop out once a week to check one my well being, they'll get all my meds for me, assist in ANYTHING that I may need, even the social worker, counselor, and Chaplin will come by if I ask. I must say I'm way less stressed now and I feel much better. Granted I'm on a very high dose of pain medications, they are doing a wonderful job of elevating them so they cut the pain, and yet not turn me into a zombie.
Right now I'm still able to take care of myself, but as things progress (which they say 2 months at best but we all know about the ones I've already beat, and the power of prayer) I will eventually be moving into The Daugherty Hospice", which is a BEAUTIFUL, peaceful, place. It's hard to grasp this and I'd be a liar if I told you I wasn't scared, I have so many things I want to do yet, I want to watch my children's lives prosper, I want to hold a grandchild, I want to see things, I've never been on a cruise, my all time dream.
I'm going to stop now so I can get this much submitted because I really need you all right now and I can't wait to see if anyone else has done this. I can't wait to hear what you think.
I'm not a quitter, I just want some good days, I want quality over quantity so I can at least do a few more small things, like yesterday I painted dog nails for the first time (My male Italian greyhound has pink nails, he's sporting them for BC awareness:). I see the world in another whole new light, as I did in August of 2009 when I was first diagnosed, only much brighter.
Miles of Love,
~Kari
I've been on chemo or rads for over 3 years, and had a lot of rough s/e. I've had MANY operations to include my bilateral, both ovaries, lattisamus flap immediate recon with all of 3 surgeons, under the lights for 7 hours, all sides opened up for something.....I'm not going to type my story, I'll certainly share if you ask. We've been chasing my TNBC for over 3 years and we just can't seem to catch the beast.
My team, mostly my Onc. say I've outlived many sentences by average. I know this is true but along the way I endured SO SO much, as we all do.
Infections, grade two neuropathy, severe loss of movement, a divorce..........could go on forever but why relive that, right:)
We, meaning me,myself, and I have decided its time to just let palliative care doc (whom I REALLY like) manage my pain while I live my life. I can say I feel great right now, I haven't had that awful Doxil in over a month. My body is trying to heal from all the damage and I know this means the cancer is growing in which it grows fast, I already feel it back in some nodes
Of course I've been talking to my family and friends about this and I've been pushing to feel better, in which they all stand behind me, they've seen all I've been through.
I'm now under the palliative care and I will no longer be running to several appointments, scans, blood draws.....another on forever one. Instead, I will have a nurse stop out once a week to check one my well being, they'll get all my meds for me, assist in ANYTHING that I may need, even the social worker, counselor, and Chaplin will come by if I ask. I must say I'm way less stressed now and I feel much better. Granted I'm on a very high dose of pain medications, they are doing a wonderful job of elevating them so they cut the pain, and yet not turn me into a zombie.
Right now I'm still able to take care of myself, but as things progress (which they say 2 months at best but we all know about the ones I've already beat, and the power of prayer) I will eventually be moving into The Daugherty Hospice", which is a BEAUTIFUL, peaceful, place. It's hard to grasp this and I'd be a liar if I told you I wasn't scared, I have so many things I want to do yet, I want to watch my children's lives prosper, I want to hold a grandchild, I want to see things, I've never been on a cruise, my all time dream.
I'm going to stop now so I can get this much submitted because I really need you all right now and I can't wait to see if anyone else has done this. I can't wait to hear what you think.
I'm not a quitter, I just want some good days, I want quality over quantity so I can at least do a few more small things, like yesterday I painted dog nails for the first time (My male Italian greyhound has pink nails, he's sporting them for BC awareness:). I see the world in another whole new light, as I did in August of 2009 when I was first diagnosed, only much brighter.
Miles of Love,
~Kari
0
Comments
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My dear sister Kari,
My heart aches reading your post. You have been through more hardships then any one person should have to endure and you've done it with such class and grace. I admire and love your courage and spirit. I know this wasn't an easy decision for you to make . I too have often thought of how much I could push my body if I had too, I also will choose quality over quantity. I pray your remaining time you are achieving all you deserve, and you are surrounded by those that mean the world to you. For you sweet sister mean the world to us... And we will miss you when you are gone. Thank you for giving us a piece of your soul and may God watch over you in these next few months.
Love you dear sister...
Lorrie0 -
Oh, Kari
What heart wrenching decisions you're having to face.
I had these conversations, lots of them, five years ago with my friend. She decided, as you have, that she wanted some quality and she got that. We also talked about her sending a sign from heaven. We decided on doves, lots and lots of them so that I would know they were from her. Well, I saw a few, then about a hundred terra cotta doves in the patio display of a store which made me laugh cause I figured she was practicing. Two months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer hundreds and hundreds of doves followed me home from my walk one morning. I believe!!!
I send you back miles and miles of love.
xoxo
Victoria0 -
Aw sweetie, you are not a
Aw sweetie, you are not a quitter. It takes a lot of courage to face the unknown and do what's best for you. My heart aches that you had this decision to make but somehow I can imagine that now made you feel freer. I sincerely hope and pray that the time left is filled with love, comfort and spiritual fulfillment. Know you are loved and cherished by so many.
Much love to you
jan0 -
Heroic
Kari, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I feel that you have been faced with this decision. It's harder still for me to find the right words to tell you how much I admire the courage and the grace you are demonstrating as you move forward. I remember how Moopy and I used to use the image of you plowing through snowdrifts with your college texts on the seat behind you as an example of how nobody can keep a Pink Sister down. I remember looking at the pictures of your great beach adventure and wondering how anyone (much less a BC warrior) could have so much fun. Well, guess what. You're giving us all an even better model now. Thank you so much, Kari, for always showing us how to live... and keep up the good work!
Love,
Joe0 -
Hugs and Love coming your way!
Kari I too am so very sorry that you are faced with such a decision but I must say i do understand it. My eldest sister after two bc battles got pancreatic cancer and decided to stick with palliative care to allow herself to be able to enjoy the time she had remaining and enjoy it she did. She was much like you Kari, strong and beautiful always showing us how to live life to its fullest and how to love! Kari you have, are and always will be an inspiration to me! You will continue in my prayers asking God to lift you up in the coming months, always an inspiration!
♥ Sending all the love I can muster for my dear Pink Sister ♥
RE0 -
Unconditional love and supportnatly15 said:Kari I'm sending my love,
Kari I'm sending my love, lots of hugs and prayers. One Day At A Time. You are a hero, and dont you forget it. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Kari
Please know that you have our love and support
Sending you a big hug0 -
Love you pinkkari
Dearest Kari... it took courage to come to a decision that you know in your heart is right for you. You are in no way a quitter, not a one of us views you in that light at all. Lord knows you have endured so much in the past several years.
I sense that coming to terms with the next phase in your life has lighten the heavy load you had been caring. I can see how freeing it must be.
You are a very dear and special Pink Sister and I am honored to have gotten to know you on CSN. I wish you the best as you move forward with life. You still have plenty of life in you and I know the world is certainly brighter because you, dear one, are in it. I love you and send cyber (((hugs))) to you, along with Miles of Love right back at You!
Your SoCal Sister in Pink,
Ines0 -
I have tears for you. What a
I have tears for you. What a woman you are. It makes me happy though, that you made such a tough decision for yourself, but can feel "good" for awhile. I know it must be rough for you, but maybe you get a sense of peacefullness even though a far away kind as you are not suffering s/e, running to doctors, chemo, etc.
I am glad you have such a beautiful home to go to when the end draws near.
I can not imagine how you feel knowing the end is near, but enjoy the time you have left. It is such a double edged sword, isn't it?
Maybe you can start writing your children letters so they have something of you that they can hold and see before you go, some special words of memories, advice, things you love about them? I know, if I had a great mom like you, I would think the world to have a surprise when you leave this world.0 -
sendingcinnamonsmile said:I have tears for you. What a
I have tears for you. What a woman you are. It makes me happy though, that you made such a tough decision for yourself, but can feel "good" for awhile. I know it must be rough for you, but maybe you get a sense of peacefullness even though a far away kind as you are not suffering s/e, running to doctors, chemo, etc.
I am glad you have such a beautiful home to go to when the end draws near.
I can not imagine how you feel knowing the end is near, but enjoy the time you have left. It is such a double edged sword, isn't it?
Maybe you can start writing your children letters so they have something of you that they can hold and see before you go, some special words of memories, advice, things you love about them? I know, if I had a great mom like you, I would think the world to have a surprise when you leave this world.
Dear Kari,
What strength! I'm sending love, hugs, and prayers by the boatload. It's a hard decision but you have to do what's right for you. A friend made that decsion earlier this year and we all respected her & the decision and loved her for her strength of spirit. Know that we'll be with you, surrounding you with pink power to face whatever lies ahead.0 -
Not a quitter
Kari,
You are nowhere near a quitter. In fact you are incredibly brave and courageous. The strength you are showing in what must be a terribly difficult time is inspiring to say the least. Choosing quality over quantity and time with your family in relative comfort is a wonderful choice and clearly the best one for you. I hope that the comments on this thread give you more peace with your decision and the love shown gives you strength.
I wish you peace and comfort,
Clementine0 -
Kari--my sincere thanks for sharing this very personal postClementine_P said:Not a quitter
Kari,
You are nowhere near a quitter. In fact you are incredibly brave and courageous. The strength you are showing in what must be a terribly difficult time is inspiring to say the least. Choosing quality over quantity and time with your family in relative comfort is a wonderful choice and clearly the best one for you. I hope that the comments on this thread give you more peace with your decision and the love shown gives you strength.
I wish you peace and comfort,
Clementine
with us. I am also Stage IV and have done some thinking about if or when this scenario becomes my reality. As all the others have said, you have been a model of grace under fire. The dignity and humor you have had while facing such hard decisions and difficult treatment have been a valuable lesson to us all. I thank you so much for your kind advice, words of comfort and for being my friend on this board.
No one can predict the amount of time any of us have. My wish and prayer for you is to have many, many quality days ahead filled with love, faith and laughter.
Love and hugs, Renee0 -
Love and hugsmissrenee said:Kari--my sincere thanks for sharing this very personal post
with us. I am also Stage IV and have done some thinking about if or when this scenario becomes my reality. As all the others have said, you have been a model of grace under fire. The dignity and humor you have had while facing such hard decisions and difficult treatment have been a valuable lesson to us all. I thank you so much for your kind advice, words of comfort and for being my friend on this board.
No one can predict the amount of time any of us have. My wish and prayer for you is to have many, many quality days ahead filled with love, faith and laughter.
Love and hugs, Renee
I'm so sorry to hear this news, Kari, but I understand your decision and support it. I remember when you were struggling with whether to have further treatments at all. You did and it gave you time to do some of the things you wanted to in spite of feeling bad much of the time. I hope now you can continue to do some more of these things while feeling well, and I hope that this lasts for a long long time.
I will continue to send much love, hugs and prayers to support you.
Love to you and yours,
Suzanne0 -
Awe Inspiringelm3544 said:You are an inspiration to us
You are an inspiration to us all. May you find all the peace and beauty that you seek in this life and enjoy each day.
Kari, What a wonderful inspiration you are to all of us. You are so much a fighter and its a testimony to your amazing spirit and courage that you can make this very difficult decision. You have given yourself permission to live for the day and make it the best you can have. You are in our thoughts and prayers and you are surrounded by all the pink sisters and brothers who love you. Peace and comfort to you and your family.0 -
We
Kari,
I applaud your decision. You are doing what is best for you as a person. I hope when I get there I am able to choose what is best for me as well. It must be scary and I understand about missing things. I think about that all the time myself and I'm stable. I have come to realize though that there will always be things I miss when ever I go. If you get a chance read the book Heaven is Real. It is truly inspiring. You will always be with your children they are part of you. I'm here for you and praying for you tonight as I do every night. You hold a special place in my heart as you have always been such a positive person and I respect that so much. I'm glad you will get some quality time with your family, enjoy.
With Love,
Sister to Sister
Terry0 -
You are so not a quitter!mom62 said:We
Kari,
I applaud your decision. You are doing what is best for you as a person. I hope when I get there I am able to choose what is best for me as well. It must be scary and I understand about missing things. I think about that all the time myself and I'm stable. I have come to realize though that there will always be things I miss when ever I go. If you get a chance read the book Heaven is Real. It is truly inspiring. You will always be with your children they are part of you. I'm here for you and praying for you tonight as I do every night. You hold a special place in my heart as you have always been such a positive person and I respect that so much. I'm glad you will get some quality time with your family, enjoy.
With Love,
Sister to Sister
Terry
The choice to let go is one many of us have to make. I would hope I would do the same when the time comes. Enjoy each precious moment. That's all any of us has for sure.
Love, peace, and joy,
Roseann0
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