Living in Fear

amanda_33
amanda_33 Member Posts: 13
edited August 2012 in Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin) #1
I finished my chemo in early May and then had a pet scan which showed a small residual mass with an SUV of 3. I was sent back to the specialist to see if he thought I needed a SCT and he told me that the metabolic activity could be caused by the chemo or scar tissue. So, he recommended that I have radiation. This was actually great news, because a CT scan done after my 5th treatment showed that my mass had only shrunk by half, so my doctor was afraid that I had stopped responding to treatment. So, now I am half way through my radiation and I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Here's the problem, I always thought that the end of my treatment would be a happy time, but boy was I wrong. Instead I am in constant fear that my cancer will come back. I had a terrible day today and have cried most of the day. I am mostly worried that my cancer will come back and I will lose my job and wont have any health insurance. I feel so crazy, worrying about something that has not happened yet and may not even happen. Is this fear and anxiety normal or am I losing my mind? All I want is to be happy and feel normal again.

Comments

  • COBRA666
    COBRA666 Member Posts: 2,401 Member
    #2
    What Ifs
    Amanda,
    To make a long story real short. "What Ifs" in these situations are always geared to the negative side of everything. What you are going thru is perfectly normal.You are facing things you never had to face before. The "What Ifs" will consume you if you let them. John
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    #3
    The Roaring Lion
    Hi Amanda,

    I agree with John and all of us here will tell you that everytime that
    CT/PET Scan comes around, we all go through a lot of anxiety. I think
    what you're feeling is normal, Amanda. I posted a link to a video
    interview with Amy Grose regarding fear of recurrence. There's a link
    on the video to a website but I haven't checked that out yet.

    After cancer I think we have to deal with a "new me", a "new normal", a
    "new happy". The anxiety will probably always be there - just hopefully
    over time it will morph from a roaring lion to a house cat or if we're lucky,
    maybe a kitten - I know I'm looking forward to a smaller litter box :).

    Know you are not alone in this, Amanda. You are always welcome here.

    Amy Grose - Video on Fear of Recurrence

    Hugs and positive thoughts,

    Jim
    DX: DLBL 4/2011, Chemo completed 10/2011, currently in remission. :)
  • vinny59
    vinny59 Member Posts: 1,036 Member
    #4
    same here
    Hey Amanda, I totally understand what you are going through. I always have those thoughts too. I have a uptake of 2.5 on my hip still, knowing that something is still lingering bothers the hell out of me. I really try to live in the moment, not worrying about as John said the "what ifs". I don't think we can ever be "normal" again, but we can be happy!!!! Stay positive........ Vinny
  • amanda_33
    amanda_33 Member Posts: 13
    #5
    vinny59 said:

    same here
    Hey Amanda, I totally understand what you are going through. I always have those thoughts too. I have a uptake of 2.5 on my hip still, knowing that something is still lingering bothers the hell out of me. I really try to live in the moment, not worrying about as John said the "what ifs". I don't think we can ever be "normal" again, but we can be happy!!!! Stay positive........ Vinny

    Thanks!
    Thanks everyone for ensuring me that I am not totally losing my mind. I talked with the radiation nurse today about my anxiety and she told me that if I am having this much anxiety now she is worried that it may increase once my treatment is over. So, I'm going to talk with the doctor about it this week. Thanks again for listening! Amanda
  • po18guy
    po18guy Member Posts: 1,465 Member
    #6
    amanda_33 said:

    Thanks!
    Thanks everyone for ensuring me that I am not totally losing my mind. I talked with the radiation nurse today about my anxiety and she told me that if I am having this much anxiety now she is worried that it may increase once my treatment is over. So, I'm going to talk with the doctor about it this week. Thanks again for listening! Amanda

    Good plan
    If anxiety is ruling your life, then, by all means, bring it up with doctor. Instead of "scanxiety", why not turn it into "scanticipation' of a clean result? There is no going back at this point. First, because we cannot and secondly, because going back would mean that cancer was still in your future. Embrace your new normal. Control the anxiety and you will be free to live your life. Once it is no longer the boss, you will be able to enjoy each day for the blessing it is. All the best.

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