How do you survive when people you love decide to leave you because you have cancer?

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Comments

  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    Bar_B said:

    WOW!
    I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement from all of you, thank you! Your comments have helped more than you will ever know. This is an amazing group.

    I feel like saying... Alrighty, then... leave those people to their own lives... pick up the boots, jump on the horse and ride off with the new friends I've made here!! Yeehah!

    lol... Ok, as you may find out in the future, I have a sense of humor and I have some funny stories to tell about cancer. Maybe we should start a topic of funny things that have happened?

    This is great that the pink
    This is great that the pink sisters made you feel better!
  • jendrey
    jendrey Member Posts: 377
    bluwillo said:

    It's about control
    If someone has already said this, my apologies for repeating it.

    As a kid, I changed schools almost every year. By the time I graduated high school, I'd been to 13 different schools. And no, I never got caught in my shenanigans, so it was not a discipline problem. My dad had itchy feet, so we just moved a lot.

    By the time I was in 3rd grade, I knew not to make "lifelong" friends...cos I probably wouldn't see them the following September. So, I kept myself pretty aloof. sure, I had friends that I hung out with, and considered "besties"...but I knew it wouldn't last.

    I'm sure there's a psychological term for it (and my bad spelling!) but I learned not to get too attached to people, other than family. That's a sad commentary...Anywhooo...

    Some of these people may be "leaving" you because they're afraid you'll die and then where will they be? I mean, you might be so rude as to die in the middle of the night, or on a trip...or the day before you were supposed to have lunch with them. It matters not a whit what your diagnoses is, or how your treatment is going. Some people just hear "cancer" and think "uh oh, dead girl walkin'" (Very rude, I agree)

    So, in their minds, they're shutting down the relationship now, under their terms, rather than later, whenever God decides your time has come. They are protecting themselves. Sadly, they are also showing what kind of friends they are. Not very good ones.

    As I've gotten older, I've not gained many more good friends. My family keeps me busy...and if my end time comes sooner than later, they all know the drill. Party till I drop! Get kicked out of the hospital cos I play my music too loud, or too much dancing in the halls. It's good when family can be friends also.

    ...
    @ bluwillo - are you sure we're not sisters?!! Sometimes it'd be 2 or 3 different schools in one year. And yeah, unfortunately I too learned to not really bother getting attached to people. Well that and how to be totally self reliant. I'm sure we must somehow be related... lol

    (((Hugs)))
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    Bar_B said:

    WOW!
    I am overwhelmed by the support and encouragement from all of you, thank you! Your comments have helped more than you will ever know. This is an amazing group.

    I feel like saying... Alrighty, then... leave those people to their own lives... pick up the boots, jump on the horse and ride off with the new friends I've made here!! Yeehah!

    lol... Ok, as you may find out in the future, I have a sense of humor and I have some funny stories to tell about cancer. Maybe we should start a topic of funny things that have happened?

    Don't be surprised!
    This is what this board is all about. We have all been there, and it hurts when "good friends, boyfriends, husbands, and even sisters" can't deal. You may get the occasional obligatory call, but you will recognize that also, they will make tentative plans to meet for lunch or whatever, but cancel when it comes close.

    With time you will accept this and move away from them, too. I told close friends and family when I was diagnosed and left it up to them. All but a few are still in my life, but I was hurt by those who couldn't deal? Took a bit for me to realize it is not my issue, it affects me and hurts, but I can't change them.

    I asked one really 'good friend' during the obligatory call what was really happening, she said she couldn't deal with me dying. Told her call me when she can, I am still alive today! It was the siblings that were the hardest, but it is what it is.

    Take care of yourself, you cannot make them understand!
  • bluwillo
    bluwillo Member Posts: 113
    jendrey said:

    ...
    @ bluwillo - are you sure we're not sisters?!! Sometimes it'd be 2 or 3 different schools in one year. And yeah, unfortunately I too learned to not really bother getting attached to people. Well that and how to be totally self reliant. I'm sure we must somehow be related... lol

    (((Hugs)))

    ...
    jendrey, as a kid, I hated it. As a grown up, although it does make for a limited circle of lifelong friends,at long last, I am able to do what my mom was always yelling at us kids: "Can't you just entertain yourself?!" LOL! yeah, we must be cousins or something!
  • Bar_B
    Bar_B Member Posts: 27
    camul said:

    Don't be surprised!
    This is what this board is all about. We have all been there, and it hurts when "good friends, boyfriends, husbands, and even sisters" can't deal. You may get the occasional obligatory call, but you will recognize that also, they will make tentative plans to meet for lunch or whatever, but cancel when it comes close.

    With time you will accept this and move away from them, too. I told close friends and family when I was diagnosed and left it up to them. All but a few are still in my life, but I was hurt by those who couldn't deal? Took a bit for me to realize it is not my issue, it affects me and hurts, but I can't change them.

    I asked one really 'good friend' during the obligatory call what was really happening, she said she couldn't deal with me dying. Told her call me when she can, I am still alive today! It was the siblings that were the hardest, but it is what it is.

    Take care of yourself, you cannot make them understand!

    Thanks Carmul,
    this has helped me, too. This group has helped me rise above my disappointment and anger and let it go... When I was first out of treatment, I didn't know what to do with my life... where do I go from here? I thought that instead of taking trips and going places, I wanted to spend more time with my family and friends... I've found out exactly what you've said, they don't want to be around a "dying" person, even though I'M ALIVE! So, I've retreated and this support group is now my friends and family group. Thanks to all!
  • Bar_B
    Bar_B Member Posts: 27
    camul said:

    Don't be surprised!
    This is what this board is all about. We have all been there, and it hurts when "good friends, boyfriends, husbands, and even sisters" can't deal. You may get the occasional obligatory call, but you will recognize that also, they will make tentative plans to meet for lunch or whatever, but cancel when it comes close.

    With time you will accept this and move away from them, too. I told close friends and family when I was diagnosed and left it up to them. All but a few are still in my life, but I was hurt by those who couldn't deal? Took a bit for me to realize it is not my issue, it affects me and hurts, but I can't change them.

    I asked one really 'good friend' during the obligatory call what was really happening, she said she couldn't deal with me dying. Told her call me when she can, I am still alive today! It was the siblings that were the hardest, but it is what it is.

    Take care of yourself, you cannot make them understand!

    How do you delete?

    How do you delete?
  • epark
    epark Member Posts: 339
    Bar_B said:

    How do you delete?

    How do you delete?

    When I was diagnosed with
    When I was diagnosed with cancer I had friends and family telling me they will be there for me blah blah blah, however, when i went through chemo this is when I knew who were my true friends and which family member you can count on...it sucked and it hurt my feelings but you know what it help me know who I can count on when things gets tough and now I'm so grateful for having those people in my life.

    Eva
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    Bar_B said:

    How do you delete?

    How do you delete?

    Delete what? Your post? It
    Delete what? Your post? It says edit at the bottom of what you posted. Is that what you wanted to know? LOL

    Lex
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    Bar_B said:

    Thanks Carmul,
    this has helped me, too. This group has helped me rise above my disappointment and anger and let it go... When I was first out of treatment, I didn't know what to do with my life... where do I go from here? I thought that instead of taking trips and going places, I wanted to spend more time with my family and friends... I've found out exactly what you've said, they don't want to be around a "dying" person, even though I'M ALIVE! So, I've retreated and this support group is now my friends and family group. Thanks to all!

    We are always here to
    We are always here to support you, don't forget that. So, post all you want. I am glad that we've helped you!


    Hugs, Jan
  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    What I've experienced is
    What I've experienced is some friends and family have a hard time accepting the "new me". Once you're faced with cancer, you're forever changed. It changes you physically obviously, but all the emotions and fears that you go through - it changes you. I'm still essentially "me" - but I think new & improved. My priorities have changed. My tolerance for BS is zero - life is too short to deal with drama and feeling upset! Im much less likely to put up with crap! I enjoy the little things, i make lots of fun memories with my kids, i do things that I enjoy. I try new things, i take risks, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.I think finding this "new me" is my silver lining to all this BC crap. Most of the people around me are liking new Heather, or are adjusting. But I've had a few who I've done nothing but argue with once treatment stopped. Had a friend actually log on to CSN here to read my posts, and then got mad at me about what I had written. Luckily my husband and the majority of my friends and family have been patient and supporting and are just as happy to get to know the "new Heather" as I am.
    Hugs to you! I know it's sad when friendships go bad, but you have to do what's best for you. Some bringing you down? Forget about them! Life's too short!
    *hugs*
    heather
  • Angie2U
    Angie2U Member Posts: 2,991
    Tux said:

    friends
    I agree that people abandon a cancer victim because it makes them face their own mortality. It's tough to take, when you really need a friend. You really find out who your real friends are, too. BTW, many people we think of as "friends" really are just acquaintances or colleagues who are thrown into the same environment as we are.

    I was a coach for 25 years and I often said the same thing to the young men & women that I worked with. "You have far fewer friends than you think you do."---If I had a dollar for every time I had told someone that....

    Hang in there, be strong, and remember that we are here for you. (((Hugs)))

    I hate to even fathom the
    I hate to even fathom the thought of someone abandoning anyone as a result of a diagnosis of cancer. I just can't understand that. Don't you worry though, we will not!

    Cyber hugs and prayers,


    Angie
  • Angie2U
    Angie2U Member Posts: 2,991

    First - give them an opportunity to do something
    Relationships just plain take work. I've given this a whole lot of thought because I was really hurt by 2 of my closest friends, a lifelong friend, and my only sister. And it's taken me 2 years to get to where I am. But enough about my situation.

    My "take" on this is similar to others - they're frightened, angry, and then there's all the wonderful stuff in the press/movies that makes cancer sound like it's just not a big deal anymore, and you're going to be fine because so and so was. And then there's "she'll call me if she needs anything" "I'll call tomorrow", etc. And remember, they're "outside". They don't get it. They really don't.

    I think when this happens and we feel hurt by it, we need to re-evaluate how important this person is to us and if they are, then we may have to make that contact with them. We might need to tell them what we need/want from them (a visit/phone call/ride, etc.). If the relationship isn't really important, then we need to recognize that. But if it is, sometimes we just need to speak up and say "I need your friendship, will you please whatever".

    We're here for you - always. Because WE understand.

    Suzanne

    The best advice I could ever
    The best advice I could ever give is just Live Your Life! If you can, don't deal with all the drama from friends or family. It is their loss if they don't want to support you. This is a time when you find out who your true friends are. Perhaps they have trouble dealing with the fact that you have bc, so, maybe you could just talk to some of them. Ask them what's going on?

    Live, Live, Live! Life is great and you deserve to enjoy it!


    Big hugs, Angie
  • Attygirl
    Attygirl Member Posts: 121
    I started a similar thread a few days ago.
    Nancy referred me to this one in her kind response.
    I am so hurt by the friends and family who have "disappeared." I never would have guessed this would happen. But it has, and I've got to move on.

    I hope you are feeling better about this Bar_B. I'm getting there...

    Hugs to all and thanks for the friendship found here.
  • hope4thebest
    hope4thebest Member Posts: 108
    friends disappear
    It's been a year since being diagnosed with breast cancer at age 41, and I have lost the majority of my friends. They cannot handle the change. Before, I was the go-to person, always optimistic, now that I cannot help them. It seems like they do not want the relationship unless they can gain something from it. They are needy, and now that I have become the one in need, it is no longer convenient for them. None have actually said goodbye, although I know I will not see them in the same light again. I feel the decision is mutual; if we wanted to revive the relationship, we could but deep inside we know what is healthiest for us and our survival to let go. Conserve energy for a good cause.
  • Attygirl
    Attygirl Member Posts: 121

    friends disappear
    It's been a year since being diagnosed with breast cancer at age 41, and I have lost the majority of my friends. They cannot handle the change. Before, I was the go-to person, always optimistic, now that I cannot help them. It seems like they do not want the relationship unless they can gain something from it. They are needy, and now that I have become the one in need, it is no longer convenient for them. None have actually said goodbye, although I know I will not see them in the same light again. I feel the decision is mutual; if we wanted to revive the relationship, we could but deep inside we know what is healthiest for us and our survival to let go. Conserve energy for a good cause.

    I like that...
    "Conserve energy for a good cause."
  • rallendorfer
    rallendorfer Member Posts: 244

    friends disappear
    It's been a year since being diagnosed with breast cancer at age 41, and I have lost the majority of my friends. They cannot handle the change. Before, I was the go-to person, always optimistic, now that I cannot help them. It seems like they do not want the relationship unless they can gain something from it. They are needy, and now that I have become the one in need, it is no longer convenient for them. None have actually said goodbye, although I know I will not see them in the same light again. I feel the decision is mutual; if we wanted to revive the relationship, we could but deep inside we know what is healthiest for us and our survival to let go. Conserve energy for a good cause.

    hope4thebest
    This is where I am too. Exactly. I actually found one in particular, my daughter, tried to one-up me with going to the doctor to try to dig up something wrong with her so that she could still get the attention diverted back to her instead of being willing to be inconvenienced with me when I needed HER. I was amazed. My husbands take on her was: "I'll see your cancer and raise you a heart palpitation" Right on the mark. When I didn't have anything to give her she walked away.

    So well written!
    Rebecca