What to say when someone says How are you?

Survivor73
Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
So, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January - getting the final results after my lumpectomy. 3 weeks later, I have recovered from the surgery, but I'm still reeling from knowing or not knowing what comes next. I still have to have my lymph nodes tested, and don't know what treatment I will need other than radiation so far.
I'm also likely going to have to deal with a reoccurance of thyroid cancer...this process is a waiting game, but the Dr is pretty sure it's back.

So, when someone comes by and says "How are you?" What is the correct answer...Oh, I'm feeling really crappy thanks, as I have 2 cancers that I am trying to beat...how are you?

I have to admit, I have been asked that at least 10 times in the last few weeks and I have said "fine and you?" (with a smile plastered on my face..)

I'm just getting tired of answering that...even for those that know what is going on...what are you supposed to say?? Oh, I'm really freaking out inside, scared out of my mind...can't look at my kids without crying...ya, that would work...instead I smile and say I'm ok...they usually answer with "Oh, your so strong" Like I have a choice...if walking around crying made it any better, I would...

How long will I be questioning the normalcies of every day?

When will this nightmare be over...

Sorry for going on...it's the normal day to day stuff that seems so sureal to me lately.

If anyone has any advise...what do you say when you're feeling so alone and scared and someone you barely know says "how are you?"

And, if someone you know and are close to, but you know they won't understand...what do you say??

Everyone says I seem so positive, and strong...I must be a really great actress...

I've barely told my husband how scared I am...he keeps saying you'll just have to go through some crappy stuff...like a few surgerys, radiation, maybe chemo or radioactive iodine...ya that's no big deal...just get through all that...stop worrying so much...oh and do it all at the same time...

Ok, I've complained enough...sorry to vent...just feeling alone...and having a meltdown...
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Comments

  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    I will say:
    "Do you want the short version?, Then, I'm doing ok, all things considered..."

    "If you want the long version...well....stop me when you get tired...I know I am...lol!"

    We all do get tired, and discouraged, and just plain sick of being sick. So vent away! We all have!!! And we all here know the feelings of fear and isolation...

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Survivor73
    Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
    KathiM said:

    I will say:
    "Do you want the short version?, Then, I'm doing ok, all things considered..."

    "If you want the long version...well....stop me when you get tired...I know I am...lol!"

    We all do get tired, and discouraged, and just plain sick of being sick. So vent away! We all have!!! And we all here know the feelings of fear and isolation...

    Hugs, Kathi

    I like your answer
    Hi Kathi...I like your answer...it made me laugh.

    I just might quote you on the second option a time or two...:)

    Hugs back at ya'
  • tjohnson2310
    tjohnson2310 Member Posts: 168 Member
    Do you really want to know..
    I have been tempted to say do you really want to know. With that said if you feel comfortable sharing your true feelings with that person than do so. May be they can help. I understand where you are coming from when people tell you..you seem so strong so positive. I tell them yea I have my ups and downs...my husband responds the same way..but he reminds me he is just trying to stay positive.
  • robinsong611
    robinsong611 Member Posts: 4
    You've got way too much
    You've got way too much going on right now!!! Do you have 1 person that you can really unload on? Sometimes that can help alot. Or you can do it here cuz just getting it out can help. As for everyone that asks how you are doing, why don't you respond with whatever you feel like at that moment? Sometimes I would say "I'm fine" and others I would say "I'm doing pretty lousy right now...". You don't owe it to anybody to have to act like you're fine when you're not. And it's not about them, it's about you. So let yourself say whatever comes to mind. If they seem uncomfortable with your response, maybe that will stop them from asking again. The last thing you need is the added stress of puting on appearances. People do ask cuz they are concerned but they should understand that there is no real good answer to that question. I truly hope that you will be feeling much better soon.
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    Too be honest
    Most people really don't want to know. So I would just tell them all things considererd pretty good. The ones that really want to know would ask what does that mean.

    Yep we are good actresses. All my life I have gotten in trouble for my attitude but once I have BC everyone would say what a great attitude!

    Unfortunately no matter how many people we have around this it is a journey we make alone. And the only ones who truly understand are those who are doing or have done the journey.
  • CandaceMM
    CandaceMM Member Posts: 68

    Too be honest
    Most people really don't want to know. So I would just tell them all things considererd pretty good. The ones that really want to know would ask what does that mean.

    Yep we are good actresses. All my life I have gotten in trouble for my attitude but once I have BC everyone would say what a great attitude!

    Unfortunately no matter how many people we have around this it is a journey we make alone. And the only ones who truly understand are those who are doing or have done the journey.

    Thank you
    Sweetvickid, I really needed to hear your post. Thank you for the powerful words.

    Love, candace
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    I'd probably say just what
    I'd probably say just what you did and later to myself say, "I should have said..."

    I always have a come back when it's too late. Maybe it's better that way.

    I'm a private person and would not like telling everyone every detail. That's what these boards are for. lol. (Not really, I even hold back here)
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Most of my friends know I am
    Most of my friends know I am battling a recurrance~ lately when I am asked The Question, I have been saying "Thanks,a little tired,but I'm holding my own!" And I of course smile.. :-)
    Half of the time even I am not sure what that means, but it does rather say that I am not 100% well, but not 100% ill either, and that I am working on being more well than sick! Or something like that, anyway!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • Ritzy
    Ritzy Member Posts: 4,381 Member
    chenheart said:

    Most of my friends know I am
    Most of my friends know I am battling a recurrance~ lately when I am asked The Question, I have been saying "Thanks,a little tired,but I'm holding my own!" And I of course smile.. :-)
    Half of the time even I am not sure what that means, but it does rather say that I am not 100% well, but not 100% ill either, and that I am working on being more well than sick! Or something like that, anyway!

    Hugs,
    Claudia

    What to say?
    I have always felt that if someone asks you how you are doing, you should say whatever you feel like saying at the time. If you are not feeling well that day, tell them. If you are feeling good, then tell them that you are having a good day and feeling pretty good.

    People wouldn't ask if they didn't care, so, always know that they ask because they do care and they are concerned.

    I think they are always hoping that we will come back with saying that we are doing great so that the conversation about our bc will just stop there and because they love us and want us to be well. But, that isn't always the case.

    People that love us are scared for us, but ofcourse, they don't want to let us know that even though we already know.

    So, just say what's on your mind and what you feel comfortable with telling someone. But, just remember that they ask because they love you.


    Sue :)
  • Hippiechick58
    Hippiechick58 Member Posts: 320
    People hear what they want
    People hear what they want to hear. That has been my experience of BC. I try hard to look somewhat presentable to the world (that is, I try to wear my wig, my prostheses, and makeup) Most people say"OMG you look terrific! "You don't LOOK like you have cancer" Sometimes I will say"Yeah, well, I have my moments" Or sometimes if I am feeling daring, I will say, "Well, what does a cancer patient look like to you?"

    And let's just face it, sometimes, people really don't want to know at all. They are just asking because it's the right thing to do. For those who are sincere, you could try,"I'm having a difficult day," or "I'm feeling better today, thank you."

    No matter what you decide to say, remember, it is your life. You are the one with the cancer, you are the one who needs to be respected.

    "May you be at peace; May you be free of Suffering."
    Dianne
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    It depends on who asks or
    It depends on who asks or where I am. Most of the time I just say "I'm doing great" which is true - I'm IBC and a year+ out of surgery, a little over a year after last batch of Chemo and almost a year out of Rads and as far as I know doing good (see Chemo Dr next Friday for 6 mth check up but have no reason to think there's anything going on now - I'm lucky and know it, Thank my Heavenly Father for that daily). Am I still the same person, same energy level as before, NOPE but I can and do whatever I want to - just don't mess with what doesn't matter in the scheme of my life. Back when on Chemo I probably said something like as good as can be expected most of the time. When on Rads - I said "Better daily" which was true until they were over - that's another story - that is very unusual.

    If you don't want to give a direct answer or they are just parroting question "at" (not really "to" you)- then turn it back on them - "How are you doing?" or "Isn't it such a beautiful (nasty) day" or 'whatever'. Hubby says that he getting more questions from people we both know more now than before. His usual reply is "She's doing great - but the next time you see her, ask her.".

    We're all different and there is no one answer for any of us to give to all. There are only 2 (well other than my Drs) that I am totally honest with - Hubby and Son. (Well try to be totally honest here.)

    Hubby
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member

    People hear what they want
    People hear what they want to hear. That has been my experience of BC. I try hard to look somewhat presentable to the world (that is, I try to wear my wig, my prostheses, and makeup) Most people say"OMG you look terrific! "You don't LOOK like you have cancer" Sometimes I will say"Yeah, well, I have my moments" Or sometimes if I am feeling daring, I will say, "Well, what does a cancer patient look like to you?"

    And let's just face it, sometimes, people really don't want to know at all. They are just asking because it's the right thing to do. For those who are sincere, you could try,"I'm having a difficult day," or "I'm feeling better today, thank you."

    No matter what you decide to say, remember, it is your life. You are the one with the cancer, you are the one who needs to be respected.

    "May you be at peace; May you be free of Suffering."
    Dianne

    Not much makeup for me
    Unless we're goijng somewhere special, but that's how I've always been. I never go out without my pros. Usually have it on except when doing my MLD machine or going to bed (well showers/baths too). I wore a lot of scarfs - most I made - but once i got my second wig I wore it a lot. Liked the first one but in the winter winds it looked like a wig when worn out - second one didn't (more expensive), could wear it out in a blizzard and it still lookd like a 'pixie hair cut.

    Susan
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    Ritzy said:

    What to say?
    I have always felt that if someone asks you how you are doing, you should say whatever you feel like saying at the time. If you are not feeling well that day, tell them. If you are feeling good, then tell them that you are having a good day and feeling pretty good.

    People wouldn't ask if they didn't care, so, always know that they ask because they do care and they are concerned.

    I think they are always hoping that we will come back with saying that we are doing great so that the conversation about our bc will just stop there and because they love us and want us to be well. But, that isn't always the case.

    People that love us are scared for us, but ofcourse, they don't want to let us know that even though we already know.

    So, just say what's on your mind and what you feel comfortable with telling someone. But, just remember that they ask because they love you.


    Sue :)

    I am running into that at
    I am running into that at work. I went back to work and was very above board on my issues with my manager. assured that all was ok. Now I feel pressured to advance my hours, or cut my hours and therefore my benefits. all along I said this will take time. They say they understand but they dont. Pretty much I "look" good. I dont feel that good. I am exhausted and in pain. (neuropathy) and being on my feet 8-12 hours is very hard. Anyway, how to answer that question? If asked, what to say? I usually say "ok" if its a bad day or "fine" if its not awful. If I tell how I really feel I am whiney and complaining, if I dont then I am fine and why am I not working full shifts. cant win. I usually tell people who I am close to the real deal. and give the short version to others. I feel under a microscope and I know the fatique will improve and hopefully the neuropathy if they would give me time. (my timetable not theirs) actually my body isnt healing fast enough for me eitherLOL
    sorry for the long rant this has really been stressing me out.
    I know this is hard for other people to get, so post here often. It is so good to talk to people who speak your language. We get it.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    Rague said:

    It depends on who asks or
    It depends on who asks or where I am. Most of the time I just say "I'm doing great" which is true - I'm IBC and a year+ out of surgery, a little over a year after last batch of Chemo and almost a year out of Rads and as far as I know doing good (see Chemo Dr next Friday for 6 mth check up but have no reason to think there's anything going on now - I'm lucky and know it, Thank my Heavenly Father for that daily). Am I still the same person, same energy level as before, NOPE but I can and do whatever I want to - just don't mess with what doesn't matter in the scheme of my life. Back when on Chemo I probably said something like as good as can be expected most of the time. When on Rads - I said "Better daily" which was true until they were over - that's another story - that is very unusual.

    If you don't want to give a direct answer or they are just parroting question "at" (not really "to" you)- then turn it back on them - "How are you doing?" or "Isn't it such a beautiful (nasty) day" or 'whatever'. Hubby says that he getting more questions from people we both know more now than before. His usual reply is "She's doing great - but the next time you see her, ask her.".

    We're all different and there is no one answer for any of us to give to all. There are only 2 (well other than my Drs) that I am totally honest with - Hubby and Son. (Well try to be totally honest here.)

    Hubby

    Sometimes i want to refer
    Sometimes i want to refer people to our posts and say you know "sometimes it reallysucks" but i dont want pity either. Its so complicated.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    I'm glad you came here to
    I'm glad you came here to vent, it's good to get that out. Sometimes just saying/posting it is enough to help you feel better.

    When people ask how I'm doing I usually just say 'pretty good'. And it's usually the truth, I try not to go out and about when I'm down or not feeling good. At least until I've done something to help improve my spirits...music and the elliptical usually work for me. I've found the people who really want to know will ask a specific question like 'how did the surgery go?...with those people I will go into more detail.

    I hope you're feeling better today, and I wish you peace.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    Rague said:

    It depends on who asks or
    It depends on who asks or where I am. Most of the time I just say "I'm doing great" which is true - I'm IBC and a year+ out of surgery, a little over a year after last batch of Chemo and almost a year out of Rads and as far as I know doing good (see Chemo Dr next Friday for 6 mth check up but have no reason to think there's anything going on now - I'm lucky and know it, Thank my Heavenly Father for that daily). Am I still the same person, same energy level as before, NOPE but I can and do whatever I want to - just don't mess with what doesn't matter in the scheme of my life. Back when on Chemo I probably said something like as good as can be expected most of the time. When on Rads - I said "Better daily" which was true until they were over - that's another story - that is very unusual.

    If you don't want to give a direct answer or they are just parroting question "at" (not really "to" you)- then turn it back on them - "How are you doing?" or "Isn't it such a beautiful (nasty) day" or 'whatever'. Hubby says that he getting more questions from people we both know more now than before. His usual reply is "She's doing great - but the next time you see her, ask her.".

    We're all different and there is no one answer for any of us to give to all. There are only 2 (well other than my Drs) that I am totally honest with - Hubby and Son. (Well try to be totally honest here.)

    Hubby

    'Tupid me!
    Did I ever goof and just saw it - I signed as 'Hubby' - no he didn't write it I did - guess I was thnking about him. Someone had already replied to it so I can't change it.

    Susan - (that's me!)
  • Findingout
    Findingout Member Posts: 132
    Dear Survivor,
    This is the

    Dear Survivor,
    This is the place you don't need to apologize for venting, all the people here are totally okay with it, it's your honest true expression and we value it!! I agree with many of the wise posts on this page, especially that no one will really understand unless they are going through it.
    What I'm trying to do, is not hold expectations, expect that people don't get it. I have to be honest with myself and recall when my good friend had cancer; there were only certain times I could endure the conversations about her treatment and condition. It would put such a pall over everything that I couldn't do it often. Some people have thicker skin but most don't.
    I think we all live in certain mood spheres and want to be happy and feel life is good and safe. Hearing the kinds of news we have is challenging for people. It's asking a lot, from people who truly and really don't know what to say or do... they are frightened, and there is no "fix." So they do say How Are You without wanting to know too much.
    I'm going to look for some info I found online about how to be a friend to someone w/ cancer. This doesn't really answer your basic question but it helps in friendship situations. I emailed it to my ex and it helped him be a better friend and helped me see his side. I never even discussed it with him in person!
    Meanwhile sorry this got so long, I was really moved and hope you're finding the support you need here on the board. Please vent to your heart's desire...
    Hugs,
    Lin
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    KathiM said:

    I will say:
    "Do you want the short version?, Then, I'm doing ok, all things considered..."

    "If you want the long version...well....stop me when you get tired...I know I am...lol!"

    We all do get tired, and discouraged, and just plain sick of being sick. So vent away! We all have!!! And we all here know the feelings of fear and isolation...

    Hugs, Kathi

    kathi
    Love your 2 replies. Great!
  • My Responses Were Different the Second Time Around
    With the recurrence, my response was different the second time around. I found that people really did not want to hear the truth about how I was doing, except for my dearest friends. So...to most people I responded, "Doing fine." Then I found other breast cancer patients at support groups and on this board whom I could tell the truth about how I was feeling or what I felt.

    For me, the key was that I could be honest but I had to wait to be honest. I had to wait for the breast support group meeting or wait for this board which gave me the opportunity to be honest.

    Lots of Hugs,
    Janelle
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    many times I said, "Hanging
    many times I said, "Hanging in there". I found people really didnt want to know what I was feeling, at least the people I know didnt. If I would really try to tell someone what I was really going thru, they would either change the subject or tell me about someone they knew that was going thru the very same thing I was going thru. I found it best to just shut up and not discuss it. I knew what I was going thru and that's all that really mattered to me. I was most grateful for CSN because everyone here really understood and I poured my heart out on these boards.